Before I wrote this, I searched up on the topic and read every result in the first couple pages of Google. NO ONE agrees… talk about frustrating! I was pulling my hair out halfway through, and I don’t want you to do that. You have really nice hair.
How could this be? Why are half the dating columnists saying one thing, and half saying the opposite?
Unfortunately the majority of people giving dating advice are basing their opinion entirely on personal experience. That’s like going fishing and not catching anything, then coming back and telling people there aren’t any fish. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Having Sex Too Soon Doesn’t Ruin the Chance of a Relationship… with One Exception
Ever had sex with someone, only to regret it and feel it was too soon? Maybe you even blamed the timing of your first romp in the sheets (or elsewhere) for the lack of romantic development. You wonder if you should hold out longer next time – maybe then the next guy will stick around and actually get to know you.
The thing that really pisses me off about this is that it takes two people to have sex. If you have sex with someone on the first date, THEY also have sex with YOU on the first date. If you’re easy, they’re just as easy. The facepalm required for this level of double standard would be fatal.
And yet, this perspective continues. Women are told to repress their sexual urges so they don’t scare men away. Great strategy right? “What you want is unattractive to men… just suppress yourself and wait for his approval.”
Shame is something that should NEVER be associated with sex. Whatever you think is best, that’s the best for you. Whatever your sexual kinks and fantasies, awesome. However long you think is the right time to wait before having sex, that’s the right amount of time.
Any guy who thinks less of a woman for having sex with him shouldn’t be dating. If you feel like you have to play games to keep someone in your life, they aren’t someone worth keeping. Cut your losses, be thankful you figured this out sooner rather than later, and move on.
So What’s the One Exception?
The only rule about when you should have sex is waiting until you’re ready. Assuming you’re ready, it doesn’t matter if you hook up on the first date or the fifth. If you aren’t ready and do it anyway, having sex too soon can definitely ruin the chances of having a relationship.
Having sex before you’re ready means you disrespected yourself. Usually you feel shitty, uncertain, you wonder if they’re judging you, and this can lead to needy behaviour. Neediness happens because you lost your own validation, and now you’re trying to regain your self-esteem by getting validation from someone else.
This is toxic. One of the keys to healthy relationships is being internally validated, rather than relying on other things or people to help you feel good. If this describes you or your situation, here’s what you should do.
First, figure out why this happened. There are three basic scenarios, and my advice to you depends on which scenario you’re in. Were you pressured? Did you have sex because you think it’s expected? Was it just because you were drunk or on something?
If you were pressured, don’t spend anymore energy on the relationship. No one worth keeping will pressure you into choices that make you feel bad about yourself.
If you think it’s expected of you, stop and ask yourself why these expectations influence your decisions. What are your expectations? What are you looking for? Focus on your own wants and needs.
If you were drunk or stoned, well… hopefully you had a good time. We’ve all had drunk hook ups and there’s no reason to feel bad about them.
Did you end up in a relationship following a hook up? Are you wondering about your relationship? I’d love to hear your story – tell me what’s going on in the comments below.
Ryan, on your post Does Having Sex Too Soon Ruin the Chances of a Relationship?, I suggest looking into the work of RSD and Owen Cook. The PUAs will tell you that it’s important for a man to have sex with the woman ASAP so that she will feel more attracted to him. Scientific studies show that oxytocin is released in a woman’s body when she has sex. That is the bonding chemical, she will feel more close and connected to her lover.
Also women need to be pursued, they want the man to chase them. This is not just flowers and dates. I have turned down or delayed advances from women, trying to “do the right thing” just to lose her. I learned my lesson. I would rather be in the position of choosing than the recipient of no returned calls or texts.
I read online where a French woman talked about how in Europe they have sex very soon, often times on the first date, then if the sex is good they choose whether to pursue a relationship. Their thought is why invest so much time in a relationship if the passion isn’t there, or if they are not compatible in an intimate way. I wish I kept that URL.
Everyone is different, but there are valid reasons to pursue sex early. I know if I am attracted to a woman, there is no such thing as “too soon”. It also has a lot to do with how modern someone’s thinking is on sex. There are a lot of hangups about sex that are societal or religiously motivated. One needs to think past that. But a person’s cultural experiences will always drive their opinions.
If I wanted great advice on running a business, I wouldn’t ask 20 people I meet on the street. I’d want to talk to successful CEO’s of companies they started. If you want advice on how to climb the corporate ladder, talk to CEOs who didn’t start a company but got the job. So I’d not seek average people’s advice on a lot of topics because most people don’t take the time to be the best they can be, via reading and working hard on themselves. Getting the average people’s opinions is like throwing darts blindfolded, you will get a bit of everything. What is the right answer? I’d choose those who worked at it for a long time. I say this because I’ve read so many articles on “How to get the woman” from a write of a men’s magazine who wasn’t an expert – they just threw something together to meet a publishing deadline. There’s so much advice out there, much of it wrong. Then there’s advice that works for one person but not another, because not all circumstances are the same. IMHO the vast majority of life isn’t black and white, it’s shades of gray (absolutely no reference to the book).
Just my opinion. Hey, I like your blog, keep up the great work. Future podcasts?
Keith
Thanks for the comment!
I got introduced to dating science via Neil Strauss’ book, and there are definitely some positives in terms of encouraging self-development. As a whole, I personally think the PUA industry does more harm than good.
For sure doing podcasts, I’m actually interviewing my first guest tomorrow! Hopefully have it published Wednesday.
Sweet. Looking forward to my new favorite podcast! 🙂
I met a guy yesterday for the first time and we had some four play no sex and now it’s like he hasn’t text me or msg me is he not attracted to me, or should I let him text me. I thought men liked when you pursued them.
if he hasn’t called or texted u and u guys only messed around..most chances are he’s not going to if u had sex with him..I would move on or ask him his expectations..in my experience guys like a chase..wait as long as u can so they will value it when they do have it n that will also make him respect u..hope this helps girl..but i think u deserve better 🙂
I know how this feels and Ryan I don’t know if this blog is looked at at all now as I just discovered it. I think personally from my experience sex is a strange thing and seems to do strange things to people. Honestly, a lot of men out there and girls too are not looking for serious relationships which is unfortunate as there are many that do what serious. In my experience I can say that yes I met this one guy. He was great looking seemed fun and somehow we wound up having sex the first night. Ok the relationship lasted awhile but he did not say anything to me about us being a couple and from his energy I could sense he was not serious. Sex is not taken seriously by many these days. Anyhow this guy on a few occasions just got silly with odd comments being selfish you name it. It annoyed me and he even said if you prefer we don’t meet up anymore we can stop. In reality I wanted to stop but I had not much going socially at the time. So I stuck around. Looking back I should have just left. Finally he would go on his business trips and on one of them he never said how long he will be gone for and told me eventually where he was. I asked why he never mentioned it. He said to me he did not promise me anything serious. He was right and I felt like the idiot as I opened my legs to a selfish jerk. Yes it takes 2 to tango but honestly I learn sthg new everyday and I will honestly not want to do that on the first night again. Recently I met a guy but no we have not had sex mind you it has only been a few days. He has not pushed me for it at all well, not as of yet. But I did tell him that yes it takes time to really be a partner to someone he agreed. SO I am just going to take it day by day. I do think there is not necessarily a right or wrong time to have sex with a person. Some couples I know had that experience on the first date and have been in the same relationship for years. It likely depends on the people. However, there is nothing wrong with playing a bit hard to get by the woman when it comes to men. Maybe I am wrong but this is my thought.
I agree with you but I haven’t have a relationship with anyone that started as a fuck buddy. I wish to know what is the key for success in relationships.
I don’t know if this post is still working ? I really want to share my feeling right now. I am in Asian culture.
I met a very strange guy I have ever met in the life. He is kind of introvert. We met online and First date of us he chose a random coffee shop. Second date I want we have more private so I refused the previous place , but he didn’t know any other place and we end up in a random boring coffee shop again. Third and fourth date we agreed having sex and we matched each other so well. We also exchanged gifts on Christmas ( third meet) . Then he didn’t ask me out anymore??? I knew I was so impatient and stupid to ask straight to him that what was the problem, do you want our relationship to keep on or not, he didn’t denied to end the relationship as well as he has no any move on. He said he wants to stay home, don’t be overthinking?? He doesn’t text me as well then I ignore him few days later then he texts me again but no any plans for future meet. I am tired of this guy. He is super chill and I don’t know what he wants. Think back to myself don’t I worth a fine restaurant, a romantic weekend and a real relationship??
The point is I really want to keep him. But it feel so wrong. If a guy likes me, does he 100% want to meet me ?
Or he is a jerk or he is a nerd ??
If we happen to meet again to have sex then the answer is clear. But now things is hanging…
We met on a dating app first he liked my profile first and we made an arrangement to meet up at his house we had a few beers and shots ate some food we sound before by the couch I felt on him for a little he felt on me I made the first move on kissing him first he followed my lead then he offered me to go to his room we both had sex turn off the candles played some music I stay the night at his house got up in the morning late and after that he’s been having slow small dry texting towards me and he offered me to see him once again what does that mean for a girl
Hey! So I met this woman on match.com. We exchange numbers and talked and really hit it off. We then met at a pub / restaurant and had an awesome time. I felt like we really connected. We both went in for the kiss when we said our goodbyes in the parking lot. It was great. Time goes by and about 1 week we meet up and go to pub for few drinks then brought dinner back to her house. We had a great conversation and of course were still drinking. Things led to making out hard core on the couch. She was all over me and said do you want to go upstairs? Of course at this moment I said yes. During sex she felt like she wanted it to stop. I asked if she did and she said yes. Nothing was said about this but we held each other the rest of the night. We talked some in text through the week just fine. We had plans to meet up again for dinner and drinks. Now she doest want to do that and it seems like I’m really trying hard to even see her or talk on the phone. I know when we talked before she mentioned she was dating this guy slept with him found out he was married. She did mention to me that we should start over, so we made plans to meet up and she is hesitant now. Ive tried to get clarity through text and she mentioned there is no one else and she’s pretty frightened of men right now. Says thats pretty telling then says there might be something wrong with her. I really like this woman and want to see her. Its been over a week since we seen each other. How do I ask her lets do something without scaring her away?
I could be wrong but either she still had feelings for the married man and the sex made her think of him or she didn’t particularly like something when having sex with you.
I met a guy at a guy for coffee 1 year ago, the next time we met he invited me over . I wasn’t driving at the time so we hung out watched a movie , he insisted he was tired I should just sleep over …..I said no to him all night ….in the morning , he insisted he listened to me all night and now I should listen to him … pressured me into what he wanted….when we were done said “be my girl” I have children and it’s just not that simple. I didn’t feel good about it after and regretted it . So I said ” I like you but let’s get to know one another better” first … He was mad …we over came that….we still talk but the thing that upsets me is he has NEVER actually teken me on a date ….he claims he’s broke, however . He goes out every wknd and does other expensive extra curricular things . He’s wasted my time and made me feel shitty at the same time but now he’s also my neighbor ….I’ve been debating of ending all socializing but it’s not that easy now .
Well I’ve been talking to this guy for a couple months and we finally met and it was at my mom’s my brother was in town from out of state and anyways so I wanted him to meet my family and so I got in his car and I gave him a hug and he’s a kiss me and I kissed him and then he met my mom and my brother then I was like take me for a ride so we went to the lighthouse and we made out there but then he says that he was trying to push me away which we were both kissing each other so anyways he’s says he’s not that type of guy that likes to hold hands in public likes to cuddle at night time never stay the night with him we see each other like two times a week we have sex he sees me a couple hours then he leaves he works all the time I’m starting completely over because I used to see his best friend his ex best friend and took the wrap and lost everything while he won’t make it official for us dating yet until I have my own house a good job and a nice car so I’m trying my damnedest to get all these resources get everything accomplished done but it’s very difficult and he’s a type of guy that doesn’t chase women and he doesn’t ever tell me that I’m pretty or anything like that in any of the text messages it’s more of me having the conversation than him he says a couple words and I say a whole book should I back off should I just push him away because I’m very clingy with him when I do see him because it’s only a few hours each time I see him two times a week and so we talk everyday I’m texting we call each other maybe once a week it used to be every day but now it’s once every other week I just feel like I’m in my own relationship I guess and I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship I feel alone but I miss him all the time and it was like love at first sight for me but he’s kind of standoffish but he has been independent for many years and been alone he does work all the time he has two daughters that live in the same town as me and they have their own place their own job and I am just starting off completely all over where I have to find resources do you find a place to stay until I can get my job and get my life started so I just feel kind of let down a little bit in some ways I understand what he’s saying but other ways I don’t cuz I feel like I’m not on his level and I understand that but then I feel like I’ve never felt like I’m not good enough for someone maybe it’s just a phase or maybe because I need to get my life together which I’m trying I guess it’s kind of complicating
So.. Yes maybe you are right that having sex too soon isn’t so important. But, I have been in this situation right now and I don’t know my way out (I don’t want to think this way but I can’t get this off my mind and I don’t know how to read his mind) .. So, the thing that happened is that we are almost a month now together, but we had sex already on the first week that we got into our relationship. At first he told me that he was virgin, but he lied. He wasn’t “READY” to tell me yet, and i found out that he wasn’t.. we had a little bit of disagreement but then he promised he wouldn’t lie again about anything. So OK. I let it go.. but it’s like now I feel that he doesn’t put as much as effort for our relationship, and I feel that he is getting bored about this.. like when we go out with friends he won’t eye-contact me .. he doesn’t compliment me.. I feel like i didn’t spent enough time to get to know him good. I like how he is though, he has manners and knows how to show a girl that he likes in various different ways.. Ofcourse on my side, I feel like I’m over obssesing with him. I don’t have the chance to see him as often so basically we meet twice a week (and lately i’ve been sleeping over at his, and that’s when we get turned on and do things, sex etc) but I feel like it’s wrong doing this too early. Yesterday we went out and from the moment he saw me he didn’t even hug or kiss me or anything he just said Hi and smiled.. and then I became honest with him and asked him whether he is not interested in me anymore or whether I’m bothering him (because I want to see him on the weekends, because week days I don’t get the chance to see him because of his busy schedule).. and I asked him to be honest if he has feelings for me, he even says HE LOVES ME. So I asked him to be hoenst.. and he said he does love me and i asked him if he wants to continues this or not and he said YES HE WANTS and he doesn’t wanna break this relationship.. previous from that he awsked me this question “MAYBE THE ISSUE COULD BE THAT WE DID IT EARLY?(SEX) ?.. So i was shocked.. It got me thinking whether that’s whats he is thinking… I wanna know how can I prevent this from becoming a disaster.. I want some ways to help the relationship and bring it back to where it was (I DON’T WANT HIM TO LOSE HIS INTEREST IN ME OR STOP TRYING OR GOING OUT TO EXPLORE PLACES AND ALL)
Beautiful Ryan, thank you!!! I believe it’s awful the way society shames women into believing they are somehow worth less once sex is involved. I love how you said “any man who thinks less of a woman because she had sex with him shouldn’t be dating”. AMEN!! That kind of mindset is bizarre and misogynist to be very honest. What you’ve written is so true and isn’t afraid to describe reality in ways most are afraid to do.
I would love to know what happened. The same is happening to me now and I dont know how to slow things down so he gets to know me. As of now, I am paranoid constantly thinking it went too fast.
Well, this is Ryan’s blog but Marry I am compelled to tell you how I feel about this. 🙂 Everyone is different and you have to work inside your comfort zone. Regarding sex, I feel people have too many hangups. So what if you had sex early or waited a month, or never had it. How soon you had sex should have nothing to do with it, there are other more important factors to take into consideration. I am concerned about the fact he lied. Lying is a red flag. Not the lying like to surprise you – that little white lie is more like a show of love. What I am talking about is why hide the fact he is/isn’t a virgin? Really? What else is he lying about. I found that liars are like cheaters, they almost never do it only once.
I am disappointed he isn’t showing you the TLC that is expected early on. I’d say he should fall all over himself when he is around you for at least the first 6-12 months – meaning hug you every time he first sees you, say I love you when you meet or leave each other, make eye contact in public or private, hold hands while walking/sitting, etc. I think you get where I am coming from. As I mentioned before all people are different, maybe he’s not the affectionate type. Is that the type of man you want? Or maybe he’s not that into you. Most guys are into the woman until we find things that we are disappointed about, or deal breakers, then we lose the mojo and this happens: you feel a loss of affection, attention, the magic appears to have evaporated.
Marry the sea is full of fish. I think he’s not telling you that he’s not that interested in you. A lot of guys keep the current girlfriend while they continue to shop around, women do this too. Or maybe he chooses unsatisfying companionship over being alone again (we’ve all been there). I’d talk to him and ask him if he thinks you’re a good match. Ask him what’s up with the loss of attentiveness. Two people in a relationship should be able to talk about how they really feel, otherwise why bother. You deserve to know the truth. If you are a bother to him, then let him go and find someone else. Never get hung up on just one guy. When you are shopping for clothes, you don’t buy something if it doesn’t fit. Too bad it looks so cute, but if it don’t fit you won’t get the use out of it you want.
Marry the sea is full of fish. You need to live in a world of abundance. Let him go and the next one to come along will be even better. Think about this: for every day you stay in an unsatisfying relationship, you do this at the sacrifice of a great relationship. There is opportunity cost sticking with a losing proposition. Also I notice if you let someone go and they really love you, they will fight to get you back. I am not saying breakup as a test, I mean break up for the sake of your own happiness and if it was meant to be he will come back to you. I can’t make your decision for you, only you can do this. So I wish you good luck. And remember you should never settle. You deserve someone who loves you, and he is out there. Looking for you. Go find him now! 🙂
I’ve considered everything that you have said.. Although okay I’m not saying that he is not trying.. I want to admit to you if it is possibe through email and not from the page I am 18 and he is 2 years younger.. So, you can see a huge age difference. I’m a woman and it’s like I’m gonna go to jail if anything is be found out.. I hope you can keep this a secret.. we did get protection when we did that and we are aware that there are things we have to be aware of and not be seen so much in public doing things.. We don’t care about other kids seeing us together or giving a quick kiss to each other.. Maybe he just learned to be like that..? I’m the 2nd girl he’s been with and.. I found that out from his facebook messages (even the fact that he was a virgin).. maybe he trully was shy about telling me so that he was a virgin(even tho he wasn’t..) I don’t know, but I still do have his facebook account and I can take a quick look at it whenever. He does’t get jealous even though when he see’s a guy messaging on my fb (like yesterday a guy msged me on viber and he replied to him) but he won’t admit that he is jealous or anything like that.. He has also been consered by the fact that we did it once with no protection (he didn’t finish though at all, and we stopped because I told him it wasn’t safe) and he did help a lot by getting me signed up to a private hospital and have some examinations.. today though my period showed up so it is sure that I am safe.. But I still feel that I got too attached with him now after doing it, and I am his 2nd and sometimes he does things that show me that he cares and loves me (like the way he hugs me while we are sleeping and kisses me randomly says goodmorning and all of these) and then sometimes he shows he is careless.. I feel that, in the beggining of a relationship you should give it all.. He always txts me everyday saying good morning(he is the first msging) and if i don’t answer on facebook he will cal me and ask me where I am.. He doesn’t care about mone, he can spent all his money on me if he has it and generally he is showing hot and cold. And I just wanted to know are there ways that I can make his interest never to fall out? I’m new to this place as well and basically i cam to this place for college. And it’s my first year, and I don’t mess things up so I’m trying right now to come to a realization and tell myself that I have to multi-task everything. Not seeing him during week days it’s kind of a good sign because I can focus on my studies more, due to his age and the limitations he got.. His father has no problem of me sleeping over at his, but his mom doesn’t know that I do because she is out of the place working and they only meet during weekends(when she goes home on sunday’s precisely)… I just think that if I try to hold my sef a bit back, and focus on how i used to live my life without him, things might get stable again? He knows that I’m a sensitive person, and he knows that I’m emotionaly attached to him, but that doesn’t mean that he can take me for granted and I just don’t want him to think that I don’t need him to effort about our relationship.. from the one side it drags me crazy, and from the other it doesn’t.. I want to stick in this relationship and at the same time I have a bad feelings that if I tend to do it with him everytime we meet(he has told me once, “Not everytime we meet we gonna have sex etc” maybe due to the fact that he is 16? and I’m his 2nd “s*xual.,..”) I just don’t wanna feel that I’m forcing someone to do it.. that’s what I feel each time we’re about to do something.. I just want him to show me the emotions he did previously………
Based on the location information your computer left on this post, it seems that the age of sexual consent in your country is 15. This information may be incorrect so it’s best to investigate yourself just to make sure.
Of course I will never reveal your name or email.
This guy is just a kid – he’s 16! I rarely work with people under 25 because they aren’t really developed yet, never mind under 18.
I would be surprised if he has the capacity to offer you what you’re after.
Ok, this changes everything. First I suggest you check the laws in your area to find out exactly what is legal in your state, it’s different state by state and possibly even by county. I don’t want to see you get in trouble. Also use protection because there’s aids, hepatitis, and herpes. Can you imagine having to tell every future boyfriend you have herpes? That’s a buzz kill and most guys walk. So stay healthy and don’t get pregnant before you are ready. I have a daughter so I fully understand the concerns here… Everything I said before was targeted towards adults. You guys are kids. You will date many more guys before you have a serious relationship that leads towards marriage or long-term commitment. Kids under 25, and I am totally ballparking this, have NO CLUE what they want in life, let alone a partner. Right now both of your focus should be on doing well in school so you can get good grades, because that leads to good jobs, and a lifestyle where you can actually afford to date and do stuff.
I need to restate that anyone under 18 has absolutely no clue what they want in life. There is so much more emotional and mental development for that person to go through. Heck, even in my 30’s I was still trying to figure out what I wanted in a relationship. But it’s ok for 2 young people to date if they really like each other, and they are doing well with the rest of their life (grades, work, home, etc.) Both of you have your whole lives to look forward to, it’s going to be a long ride, no need to rush anything. I know hormones rage, I was that age once. Just think long term strategy when making decisions like unprotected sex or what age the other person is.
I suggest immediately you find out for sure what the law is in your county and state. If you do find out this is not legal, immediately stop. Is it really worth the risk of getting a record over someone you will date for a bit then probably never see again. I also strongly suggest that you talk to an adult you can trust and have them help you. Now that you are 18, the game changes. Things aren’t swept under the rug and such. Your decisions leave permanent impressions on your life.
I hope you don’t feel like I’m preaching. I’d rather you talk here than not talk at all. But please, seek out an adult you can trust and ask them for help and advice. Just to be safe. It’s always good to have people you can trust and talk to, not just now but throughout your life, and not just about problems but the good times too.
BTW this is on a public web site I believe so anyone can read it, if they know to look here. Just saying.
Good luck.
Great advice!
Hello, I came to this page by mistake and I found it pretty interesting. Well this is my current situation. I met this guy online, last summer we met in person. We went for walks and watched a movie at his place, we had no sex and nothing too compromising, all was great. Then we didn’t meet each other for a while, like four weeks, no contact or anything, I was also enjoying other dates so I didn’t really put any thoughts on him.
He contacted me again after four weeks and asked if I wanted to go out again with him. Well cause of my work schedule I had to reschedule the date, all was great on that second date and we ended up having sex.
I have to say that he is a single dad, he has visitation right and has his daughter every other weekend, which also conflict with us hanging out often. He is a hard worker, good dad, as far as I know… but here is the problem, I can hardly know what he wants out of this relationship, it’s been almost six months now and am still not able to determine his real intention.
We do hang out normally once a week, sometimes twice a week… i like the guy but I don’t want to string things out for long if there are not mean to be, I want to ask him how he see things going with this relationship but cause am not desperate, I don’t want to sound as one either, just to put things where they have to be without pressure. How do I proceed?
Thank you
You answered your own question – ask him how things are going. If you aren’t desperate, you won’t sound desperate. If he thinks you are, then that’s a problem on his end, not yours.
The only thing that would pressure him are demands for commitment. It’s nice to not want to pressure people, but not if the cost of doing so is stress and pressure on you. Talk to him!
Hope things work out for you.
I’ve got a dilemma! went out with a guy and had such a great first date he asked me out again before dinner was over. We clicked on a lot of important things and had great chemistry. He mentioned he was done with the casual hookup thing because he did it for awhile and didn’t like it. Well I couldn’t go out the next night like he wanted because I had dinner plans with a friend. After my dinner plans, he was begging me to come over and cuddle and stay the night. I told him I wished I could but I had to be up early, etc. Plus we had already made plans to hang out the next day.
The next day before our date, I told him that I was really looking forward to hanging out but that I didn’t want him to expect sex because I don’t do that until I’m exclusive with someone. He was of course very understanding about it and said he wasn’t planning on that, and he thinks sex should happen whenever it feels right but that he couldn’t wait to kiss me. He also asked if i wanted to stay the night after our date, no pressure to do anything, and i said sure. Everything seemed to be going great.
So flash forward to the second date- he has planned to take me to one of his favorite places to try some new food, we are goofing around and having a great time. After dinner we go back to his place and have dessert, fool around a little bit and watch TV, still clicking and being goofy. His roommate comes to watch TV with us for a bit and then we decide to go to bed. Of course we’re fooling around and its clear that if we ever do sleep together, we’ll have great chemistry. Eventually we fall asleep. The next morning we fool around some more and decide to go for it. It did not work it as planned- technical difficulties!! so we really didn’t get anywhere with it. Of course this leaves me feeling awkward and embarrassed. He reassures me not to worry about it and that things don’t always work out perfectly but he is noticeably more distant. He makes us breakfast and kisses me goodbye and I leave still feeling mortified.
Later that afternoon I decide to try and clear the air- I texted to tell him I’m still feeling a little awkward about it but that I hope he isn’t. I said I was just a little nervous and that normally there are no issues. I explained that I thought we got along really well and hoped we could hang out again and laugh about it. He responded quickly and said not to worry about it, everything doesn’t always go perfectly and that he thinks we get along well too. (Note – no mention of hanging out again).
I am so worried that we ruined something with a lot of potential by sleeping together (and it not going well) too soon. A friend suggested that based on his response I shouldn’t worry and I should just plan a really cool and different date to invite him on. Thoughts!?
Don’t panic! Whether you slept with him sooner or later the outcome of this event would likely be the same. He’s still talking to you and seems interested.
Relax, it happens to everyone at some point. If he’s not interested because of that he’s not worth the effort anyway.
Hi!
As I have read almost every blog here, I have come to the conclusion that, giving yourself physically is a personal decision. Not one size fits all. Does grief have a time frame? No. It is personal. Historically, a man will court a women with pride and gusto if she is, confident, and self aware and requires,” The Building of a Foundation”, prior to giving in to the Ultimate beauty of consummating the relationship.
Think… What does the kiss alone tell you? The hug? You do not need to go between the sheets with a time frame. “Relax, and let the beauty of courtship”, develop naturally.
Holding ones body as a temple (male/female) is a beautiful trait.
Go with what is good for you and only you.
Your partner will adore you if you have strong self respect. First date, 6 weeks…
what ever. Just be TRUE.
I have been in two long distance relationships and they lasted years but we eventually drifted apart. I have met a wonderful guy. we have gone out on two dates and we have sex a lot. he is so attracted to me and continuously comments about how much he likes my body and enjoys spending time with me. however he rarely calls me or texts me. its only when he is horny that he texts me. i am not naive and realize i might be a booty call when he needs a fix. i made it clear from the start that i don’t do casual sex. i don’t know how to term what we have. i am thinking of quitting this ‘whatever it is i am having with this guy’. i have never been in a casual rship. i need your advise
I think you’re on the right track Shanice.
You don’t want casual sex or a casual relationship, and that makes sense if you’re looking for something serious. He doesn’t seem to be on the same page.
Stop putting out and tell him you’re not sleeping together unless he wants to treat you more like a girlfriend.
this is happening to me right now and I’ve told him I don’t have casual sex as well..thanks Shanice
Hi Ryan,
I recently went on a date with a guy I really like and it’s scary how fast I’m falling for him and this was only our second date aswell. We ended up having sex, we were in the heat of the moment it we both couldn’t stop ourselves. After it was alittle awkward and we both felt it was rushed and we should have waited till we were in more of a relationship. I don’t regret having sex with him but I just wished we waited it out. We had been talking everyday until the day after we had sex and during that time he was curious to know about my past with other guys. Most of my previous relationships have just been about casual sex (friends with benefits) and I made it clear to him that I didn’t want casual sex with him and that I wanted more than that. We connected so well together and had heaps of chemistry before we had sex. I tried to talk to him about what happened and see how he felt but he was short and didn’t seem that interested anymore. I’m scared that maybe he has decided to bail on what we had or if his just confused and needs time to think. I’m worried it’s worried a potential relationship because he was certain he wanted a relationship with me before we had sex
help!
It sounds like you’re taking this on yourself, but sex takes two. If he bails on you because you guys had sex early on, you aren’t missing out.
Another red flag is you’re two dates in and he’s asking about your history with other guys. That’s not any of his business, and it doesn’t affect your value or worth at all. It’s totally irrelevant to the progression of the relationship.
You obviously like sex, which is positive, healthy, and normal. You deserve someone who will allow you to express that without judgement or restrictions. The whole wait-a-certain-time-period-before-sex is antiquated and ridiculous.
Hello Ryan,
Was good to read this post, until I read this I was left feeling dreadful since last Saturday. I had only been on three dates with this guy and felt things were good, although due to my circumstance of being a career for8 years mum with dementia also just had an operation that week to remove cancer and not knowing for a further three weeks if its all clear and learning mum has had the cancer for a year, and also finding a lump in mums throat during mums previous operation and now has skin cancer its all really knocked me sideways. Not like me but got very drunk and ended up having sex, I think I wanted closeness than anything due to hurting within. Ive been single a year July 2015 and not had sex, probably due to circumstances and lost trust in guys.
Anyway he told me hes taken his profile down and wanted us to see how thing go before we had sex, next day, his profile back up and on line for a long time, I sent him a message to say it really didn’t take you long to move forward and so much for not hurting me, and thought he was a bit different but will live and learn, and thanks for taking time to ask how mum is as she was out of hospital that day.
He later said the profile he thought he had taken it down it must have JUST appeared again, REALLY, he went on about how much we drank and reminded him he bought it, I also would have preferred to wait till I was more sober, so annoyed with myself getting so drunk not like me, think I was trying to deaden the pain inside with regards to mum, I do think he should have gone home and not pushed for sex while both so drunk, but what happened happened would have preferred to be more prepared and not drunk and enjoyed it more especially after going without for so long, sent an occasional text for a further two days and then stopped and so did I on Wednesday. It really left me feeling crap and wouldn’t mind if it had been worth the upset.
I’m having one of them years where everything I touch turns to crap, roll on 2017 hope its much better,
at least by reading this has stopped those dreadful sick feelings in pit of stomach like a used feeling and regret, xx
Happy to help!
So here’s my situation, I have been friends with this guy for a super long time, we have always had very strong sexual tension and the best chemistry I have ever had with a guy. But I go to school 5 hours away and he lives in my hometown. I just got out of a two year relationship with a different guy about 6 months ago and he just got out of a two year relationship about 4 months ago months ago. So I got home from school about 2 months ago for summer, we hung out every weekend like we always do because we’re in the same group of friends and about a month into me being home we hook up and have sex for the first time, then we have continued to for every weekend following. On the nights we don’t have sex we cuddle and we still flirt a good amount when around everyone, but not as much as before. Also we don’t text as much as we used too but we still text frequently. We also agreed though that it wouldn’t get serious now because I leave back to school in about three weeks, but we both hope something can happen down the line. Is this a total lost cause?! Because I can feel myself getting feelings for him but I’m worried I screwed it up by having sex with him when the timing is absolutely awful!
You both agreed it’s not going to get serious. There’s pretty much no chance you’re going to date seriously while you live five hours apart, right?
So think about it: what options do you have? Either stay platonic friends, or have a fun summer and get laid all the time. If anything, hooking up a bunch and having a fling opens the door for the same thing next summer. As long as you both ended things on a good note, I don’t see why it would jeopardize any relationship down the road.
You’ve known this guy for a super long time, so you definitely didn’t have sex too soon and ruin the chances of a relationship happening.
Relax! Have fun, explore, be young – you have your whole life to date and meet new people.
Ugh. I had sex with a guy two soon, 3 times actually. I felt like it, and it was good, sue me. I felt guilty for awhile afterword because I have never been the one to hop in the sack so quickly. But, I was going threw a dry spell, constantly had dreams of sex, and was stoned. I needed it. The guy played games afterword, inviting me different places, texting me here and there. It left me confused as to what his true intentions were, so I cut him off. Yay dating.
It sucks that women have to deal with so much BS for having sex “too soon” and worrying about how it affects their relationship chances. You shouldn’t need justification for wanting something natural, fun, and exciting.
Glad you cut him off if he wasn’t acting right.
One night stands turn into marriages sometimes. Not often maybe, but I hope in the future first date sex is as valid a way to form a bond as coffee, a drink, or a night out.
Personally, I’d way rather do the former than any of the other things… and that way you know if you have sexual chemistry or not. Really important for some people!
50% of me is saying I’m paranoid…
Met a guy online about 6 weeks ago. Messaged daily for around 2 weeks then caught up for coffee which turned into dinner. All going great, three more fantastic dates later, still talking or texting every day, we end up back at mine for a nightcap. Nightcap evolves into great sex.
Saw each other the next day, at my place after I finished work, some making out but not sex. Went to his place for dinner the following night and had that fantastic sex again (wasn’t supposed to happen, and I told him that beforehand, as aunt flo had come to stay but in the heat of the moment neither of us cared). On neither occasion did we stay the rest of the night together, although the latter was my choice as he had to be up at 6am and no way did I want to get up that early. Still texting and calling every day. However, Now it seems he’s not talking about going out for dates any more, more focused on staying in and having dinner (and offering to fix things around my house). Have I slept with him too soon and turned myself into a booty call? Or am I being g paranoid?
Hey Louise, sorry about the delay in getting back to you.
I don’t think you had sex with him too soon, and I doubt it has ruined the chances of the relationship moving forward. Dating doesn’t always have to mean going out. If you’d like to go out more, talk to him about it.
The key thing is spending quality, intimate time alone together. If he stops putting effort in and focuses mainly on sex, then have a talk with him so he knows how you’re feeling about the relationship.
Hello.
So I met this guy online. We talked for almost a month, texting back and forth and we really clicked. We had a lot in common and decided to finally meet. On our first date we spent the night drinking and talking. From the moment we met up it was nothing but amazing conversation and and undeniable chemistry and physical attraction. Well by the end of the night we were both drunk and ended up going back to his place and sleeping together. I have never in my life moved so quickly with anyone and expressed that to him. He assured me that is was nothing to be upset at myself about and that we were both adults and had fun. Well I do not know if its me being paranoid but he became a bit distant. I didn’t talk to him for a few days and had accepted the fact that sleeping with him on the first date ruined everything. But then all of a sudden he texts me again apologizing for the delay and that he had been extremely busy these past few days. Throughout our conversation, we started flirting and he let me know that the sex was amazing. So the chemistry and compatability is there because I felt the same way. That weekend I had plans to go out with friends and he wanted me to come by his place after. I was going to but then I changed my mind. I still feel he is a bit distant because we used to talk a lot through out the day and now it’s the bare minimum. I just don’t know if he is just looking at me as a booty call now and can’t see me as anything more because we slept together so soon. I obviously want more. So I don’t know how to go about this.???
Unless you’ve left something out of the story, it doesn’t sound like there’s been any expression of wanting more. It’s OK to let him know you want to hang out.
As for texting going downhill – I don’t think the cause is having sex too soon. It’s normal relationship stuff; as you feel close and excited you text lots, when you feel distant or down you text less. Mention that you’d like to see him, then make some plans and go do something together.
All I know is that I have had opportunities to have sex too soon, but I couldn’t because my penis skin was all dry and rough. I never found out if it was going to ruin the relationship because I had to make some lame excuse as to why I had to head home. Anyway, I use a penis health creme now, and my skin is in excellent shape. It takes only seconds to apply, but it keeps me ready for action at all times. Any guy reading this should start using one ASAP.
hi im 27 & iv been in a relationship 4 2 weeks now, wth a guy 6 years younger thn me,we started as frnds & when i decided 2 cut ties wth our frndship thts whn he hit it on & told me tht he luvs me! I actually felt it ws so wrong havin a 21 year old male frnd.We had sex 4 th 1st tym & yes i knw tht it ws 2 soon bt it happened! I felt bad after tht as if i owe th world an explanation & th sex ws not even good!whn i gt home he taxed me & told me tht he had a great time & i replied th same as well bt i ws lying! Th thing is i lyk his qualities,he actually has th things tht i need in a man, he mkes me smile 4 no reason,he jst makes me feel like im th most importnt woman in th world bt aftr sex i felt differntly like i ddnt wnt him anymore @ th sme time worried if he really enjoyed,i ws jst confussed!whn we having conversations we cnt do it without kissing & smiling all th time,we jst cnt get our hands of each othr! we did it 4 th 2nd time & everything ws jst perfect instead i loved him more,so do u really thnk i ruined th chances of a relationship having sex 2 soon wth him?coz guys can really pretend & jst use u 4 sex!
It sounds like you’re on the right track, but admittedly I found it a bit hard to follow. If you’re feeling better about sex the second time around, I’d say the first time didn’t ruin it.
Ryan:
This was really helpful… but I have another question I hope you could help me with: I am super new at online dating(and new leaving in the US I am from south America…) There is this guy I started dating 3 weeks ago…we have been meeting for lunch, branch, breakfast, even sex haha and talking regularly…So when do I know that we are actually seeing each other I mean like not only dating each other …. He is 44 i feel a little weird asking( is like being desperate to know)
But he kind of seems that he could not( because he is super busy) be dating others…. I would like to know cause some other guys have asked me to meet them but i do not want to do it if this guy i am dating thinks or wants us to see each other(difficult for me to understand the difference between dating, seeing each other etc, in south america it is easier i guess, maybe because online dating is not really a thing to do, we meet one person at the time and then you go from there it is either you are in a relationship or not…he is maybe not doing anymore…. Sorry to long and weird but i am sure you get it. hope you can give me some pointers lol..
Thank you in advence
There’s nothing weird about wanting to know if the person you’re having sex with is having sex with anyone else.
“Hey so… I haven’t been seeing anyone else, and I didn’t bring this up earlier because we only just started dating. I won’t be mad if you have been, but if we’re going to keep seeing each other and sleeping together I’d like to be exclusive with you.”
I have a story myself. I have been dating a traveling physicians assistant. Our first date we went to cheddars restaurant and because of the long wait we were sitting outside on a bench it was so packed there was a line of people outside the door. He put his arm around me and I was like uh oh, ended up kissing me and he asked if I would like to go in and eat because the buzzer went off or go to his place. We went to his place and didn’t have sex but we did sexual stuff; I asked him if this was going to be the only time he was planning on seeing me and he was like no.We have now been dating for 3 years and have only been getting to see each other every 2-3 weeks. I have never met his family his mother was in the hospital for a couple weeks and I understood that. So the last few weeks has only been family day for him, No time for me.
I texted him once in 7 days on sunday when his mom was in the hospital and he said she was sick and he didn’t know when he’d get to see me. I texted him a week later and it was family day again. I said hello and he texted back and said Hey how’s it going. I said Alright How are you? and he said family day. asked how’s your mom? He responded by saying finally good she is home thanks. I told him to tell her one of his friends asked if she was well, and hopes she feels better.He said I will thanks. I asked him if he would be out of town the following days and he said yes.The last thing I said to him was “Will you be able to call me when you have time alone?”
A few days later, He texted me this message:
I Should of let you know from the start. Not looking for anything serious. Just dating.
I responded by saying We are only dating its nothing serious. He then responded Ok cool. I asked him “Can we go on a date sometime in the future?” He said “Yes when I get a few days off work. I’m not sure when”
I don’t understand how we can be dating for 3 years and he doesn’t consider us serious. I love this man and I need advice because I didn’t expect to receive such a message from a guy that I have called my boyfriend I thought it was official we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Then all of a sudden I feel like he could be dating around and screwing whoever.
He doesn’t buy me flowers. He hasn’t bought me a christmas gift, birthday or valentines. He works all the way through these days. He is extremely cheap for someone who is paid well. I am broke as a joke and have had difficult times finacially. I dont know what to do.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s kept you on the side for years. It doesn’t sound like he played you or took advantage of you either, i.e. he didn’t do anything to make you think this was anything more than a casual friends with benefits arrangement.
You might like this article: https://ryananswers.wpengine.com/casual-dating-to-serious-relationship/
What to do now? Definitely rethink your relationship boundaries, a good one would be a certain amount of time or certain number of dates before you want to be exclusive. Have standards for the guys you date and enforce them – if a guy isn’t taking you out, buying you flowers, or making you feel special, why keep him around?
No need to apologize, when looking for advice you never know what details are important. Thanks for sharing!
Would there be any hope in try to flip his attraction switches? I purchased a couple programs based on flipping the switches but have no read through or watched the videos cause its a lot of material.
I forgot to mention that he is arabic. His family he said would talk bad if I met them. Its going to be difficult for me. I never asked again to see them cause he told me he would take me to met them if I wanted.
“Flipping attraction switches” is a very particular statement created by people who market dating material. The entire industry of dating courses and material is shady at best. Love isn’t about flipping switches. I don’t want to go on a tirade about my dislike for that industry, so I’ll say it’s predatory and leave it at that.
Some Arabic cultures require marriage before dating, so there’s a chance he needs to marry you before it will be acceptable to introduce you to his family. Forget playing games or making him like you, if you want something more, tell him. If he isn’t willing or able to give you what you need, he isn’t the right guy for you.
And I feel I confirmed its not serious in his mind. To me though its serious. Sorry my story is so long winded but I feel I needed to add this.
met a guy online and had sex on the first date, well maybe our first meeting, after a month of texting almost daily. His schedule & my schedule didnt allow for us meeting sooner. we get together a week and a half later go on an official date he wants me to meet a fried who was in his wedding, (hes now divorced of course)So this was 3 & 1/2 months ago, we’ve had sporadic conversation through text but not like the beginning. SO we meet another time about 6 weeks later (our schedules only allow one free weekend a month with out kids) and hook up if you will, then there is not much talking until recently again. I assumed he was no longer interested so I went back to the online dating site to look for other dates, hes still on the same dating site. Now he is texting and talking and recently asked if my situation has changed, I said not much just going out. He said too bad he had his daughter, I had the weekend free & he said he would have had me spend the weekend at his place. I was like what???? So am I crazy to think maybe hes afraid of losing the potential of a relationship and wants more?
Doesn’t sound to me like he’s in for anything serious. It seems like the potential is there, but it’ll be hard to move forward with the amount of contact and interaction you’re having now.
forgot to add after the first “date” I spent the night, we went out for breakfast & then I had to get back home. He texted me later that day and said he had a a lot of fun & had a great time.
Hi, I was working with this guy… We started going to the gym, and eventually 2 months in I went to his place. He cooked for me, we watched movies, but nothing happened. About 2 months later we went out on a date where we stayed out all night talking about various things including sex. One month later he kissed me at work, and the next day we were having sex. We had sex a couple of more times before work interfered, and cut it off for about 1 month 1/2. At the beginning he was affectionate, but I wasn’t because I wasn’t sure of what he wanted from me and in addition he would send missed signals, one being that he borrowed money from me and never paid me back, which started the doubt in the first place in addition to seemingly flirting with female co-workers. I never communicated my feelings for him, even though it was obviously bothering me. He would ask me what the problem was, but I never said anything, and even said that my change in attitude was from the stresses of work (only told him half of the truth). One day he even came up to me and said stop playing games, and then another day he got frustrated about me not communicating, once again shrugged it off. This went on for about a year until I couldn’t take it anymore, so I confronted him, which was at a time when his uncle had just passed. He told me that he never wanted a relationship, but at the same time told me that we could of had something had I said something, but I didn’t. He played the victim, and I feel into it. So he didn’t speak to me for about a month and then hit me up. We began talking were he invited me to a gathering with cowokers (I wasn’t working at the same place with him anymore) He seemed affectionate on our outing, and even brought up something that I said when I confronted him, because I was acting a bit distance during the outing, it seemed to upset him. I confronted him again a month later where he ended it. I am a mess, because he opened the door so many times for me communicate my true feelings, but I didn’t. So I feel he said screw it and played me… What do you think?
Definitely not due to having sex too soon. This guy sounds manipulative, and there’s a few red flags in your story. Nothing wrong with holding out for someone who won’t take your cash and flirt with other women.
Not psychology related, but a personal opinion – not repaying money borrowed is a huge strike against someone’s character. If someone doesn’t pay me back or gets angry when I ask for repayment, I assume they’re generally not a solid person. Flakey behaviour is a horrible quality.
Hi Ryan!
So I met this guy online 3 weeks ago, we didn’t write on a daily basis but every 2 days.. Anyway we went for drinks 2 weeks ago and that went amazing, we talked all the time laughed etc…afterwards we still texted and this Saturday we were talking and he said he missed me in the days he couldn’t write to me because he was so busy and that he feels this connection and it’s weird because it never happened to him and that he feels so attracted to me and that he wants to see me… He told me if I want to go by his place and hang and I told him that I’m not that kind of girl that I’m not into casual hook ups and he said he isn’t either and that to have sex he has to have his head in it too but that he’s so attracted to me and feels like he can be himself… So I went to his place, we watched YouTube videos laughed and he always tried to get close but really subtle.. Then he asked me if I want to go home or stay the night… I said to myself what the hell ok I’ll spend the night and then we went to bed and we slowly started cuddling and kissing, that eventually lead to something more than that and at one point he asks me are you sure? And I said yeah (maybe I was super horny too but damn it I love sex and I felt it was natural and ok to do it at the moment)… So it happened we cuddled afterwards went to sleep, woke up we cuddled again had breakfast and then I went home, we kissed and hugged before I left and everything seemed fine. I got home and after like 2 hours I got a text And we just talked about normal stuff with no mention whatsoever of what happened the night before… Then he had to work and didn’t text me anymore not even goodnight or nothing, the next day he got online at noon but no text form him… After that he didn’t go online for like the whole day… (Cause we use Facebook to text) so I waited but this morning I causally texted him hey what’s up and asked how is he doing, he replied short asked how I was doing I replied and then he said he need to get to work and threw me a have a good day… So this is it I don’t know what’s happening and what to think… My gut is telling me he’s pushing away cause he thinks I gave in too soon since I feel like he should have said something, at least I had a nice time I don’t know … this was the first time I did it and I told him too after we had seX but now he’s acting like nothing happened, he’s too chill and normal and I really think he’s fading and I hate myself for being so weak and for loving sex…so yeah I feel like shit now and don’t know what to tell him and what do to, how to act cause I’m not clingy never been but I’m feeling really awful…
Thank you for listening!
Sex is one of the most basic natural instincts we have, and yeah most of us like it… it’s pretty fun. There’s nothing wrong with that. Remember what I said in the article – it’s impossible for one person to have sex too soon without the other person having sex too soon as well.
Questions: How did you expect him to act after you had sex? It sounds like you’ve still spoken around the same amount of times as normal, are there any other things that could account for a change in your conversations? Would him just being busy and legitimately having to work explain what you’re experiencing?
You might find this article useful: https://ryananswers.wpengine.com/cognitive-reframing/
I started talking this guy on POF and his status is u is looking for A relationship however he is a newly divorced do to his x cheating on him so he is reserved AND I totally understand…I asked him what does he want a fling or a relationship and he said friend and then build into a relationship, I am cool with that because I am looking for the Same so we been talk online for about a week talking on the phone and texting….so the other day we decide to meet each other and I let him stop by my house. We watched Sunday nite football and enjoyed each others company no sex no kissing…so we talked on the phone after he left for about an hour or so, the next day we continue to talk and text and he said he missed my company so I let him come over and then we got touchy fleely and he was prepared and had a condom and we did the do!!! It was great he had to attend to his other obligations so he left after 30mins but called and text me during his departure, let me know what he was doing and how he was feeling he asked can he come back over and of course I let him we start to watching Monday nite football and touch the only down thing is either one had condoms so after I finish my nightly obligations around the house we went to wally world to get condoms a big pack LOL while walking in the store he said being we are together how many times a day do I want sex and I said 2-3 Times I’m good with he said in reply I guess I need to get me some 5 hr energy drink so I can handle the job. Needless to say we got back to my place and use 2 of them before he went home and he told me I see u in the morning after I get my son to the bus and long in behold as soon as his son got on the bus he called me and was on his way at 7am and we used 2 more of value pack and we rested he had to leave for work by 930 after he leaves he calls me back and tells me he is really enjoying us and have a great bday and he will come by later if I want to c him….and of course I do….so my question is to you Ryan is this turning into something or did I just turn him out
Wow! Two or three times a day is an incredible feat of athleticism.
At this point I don’t think you’ve had sex too soon and ruined the relationship. It sounds like you’ve been occupying each other physically though and haven’t had a chance to develop an emotional connection yet. When that happens, you’ll have a better idea of your emotional compatibility and whether or not you’re a good fit for a relationship.
Sounds like things are going well so far!
Dear Ryan,
I met this guy 7 years ago and we saw each other several times back then. We have lots of mutual friends and I met him 7 years ago at one of my guy friends party. We never had sex but on my 25 th birthday ( again that’s 7 yrs ago) when the party ended he stayed at my place and we started kissing so passionately. He tried to have sex with me, but I stopped him and told him we are not in exclusive relationship and I don’t want to have sex with him.I really liked him and wanted to be in a relationship with him but I didn’t want to sound desperate so I never told him) he said well we are in a relationship but it’s not that serous. Anyways to make the long story short two weeks after my birthday I moved to Canada and wasn’t really in touch with him. After 7 years I moved back to my country and I bumped into him again at a friends house party. A few weeks later We started talking and invited me to his place. I ended up going to his place and I drank half bottle of wine and we had sex. He was very gentle and he didn’t push me for sex. I left his place that night and he told me to text him when I get home. I texted him and told him I just got home, I had a good time w you tonight. It was nice seeing you after 7 years. He did not reply to my text and haven’t heard from since then! I don’t want him think that I’m after casual sex and don’t want him think that I’m too easy and sleeping around! The fact that I know him for so long makes my situation more complicated. I don’t know what say or how to act please advice me on that. ( I also forgot to mention that when I was leaving his place he told me he is going out of country for 10 days in couple of days but I am thinking maybe he is lying and he said that bc he doesn’t wAnt to be in touch with me) I saw him last night and have t heard from him since then.
Thank you so much!
If you saw him last night I’d give him some time to get back to you, especially if he said he’s going out of the country for 10 days
What if he doesn’t get back to me after 10 days. Should I just forget about him and let it go?
That’s up to you. Without knowing him I can’t give you an opinion, but I do think it’s strange a guy can make the time to have sex with you but not to send a single text. Even in a third world country, an international text message is a dollar or something.
Unless he genuinely doesn’t have any reception, it would bother me if I was in your position. I don’t think you had sex too soon at all though.
No, in fact, I think the sooner you have it with that person, the better. Not saying I don’t take my time in relationships. It’s more or less me saying that what’s the point in waiting to have it, if I already feel so attracted to him? A bit like when you feel hungry, you go and eat. There’s nothing worse than waiting months to have mad, passionate, sex with a man you you have a huge crush on.
Nailed it
Yes! Met a great man we have crazy chemistry met and slept together right away. He texted me after saying how sexy I was and he still calls me every day. Before we had sex he called multiple times between meetings. He owns his own business and I am just taking it as he’s busy this week and we have plans Friday. I am just afraid he will lose interest but in reality why would he? And still call.
So many comments from so many women! So many of us with the same issues!
I met this guy at a party and we clicked immediately. We have similar interests and hobbies and our friendship circle is essentially the same, so everyone knows everyone. After we met we went out the next night and ended up fooling aound but not sleeping together. We left it at that and agreed to hang out again a week later (we’re only able to meet up once a week since he lives an hour away and has a weird work schedule) but this time he wanted to talk about our status (we agreed that as of know we are still just dating) and what we were going to do with the relationship and how to take it as it progresses. Well, we ended up having sex twice (once that night and one very fast session the next morning which he stopped). We had been talking that night about sex (after tbe first time had already happened) and he mentioned that his longest and most fulfilling relationships happened when he waited, albeit he said it took him having sex and then realizing that he wanted to take things slower to recognize that he wanted more from these women in the first place. He also mentioned that he felt that if be rushed into sex the relationship thereafter was based on that, which in my experiences has also proven to be tbe case. We both agreed to wait a month or so to be intimate again while continuing to date, but that we could tease and fool around but not do the actual act. We set a date for two weeks out on a camping trip to do the act slowly if we’re still dating.
Well low and behold, the next morning the teasing led to the act, which he stopped within a few minutes. We took a shower, got breakfast and hung out and he still seems interested, if a little pensive and thoughtful. I’m just worried that I ruined my chances with a really good guy (which he is). I worry that he will ghost and put no further effort into dating. That he won’t want to take the time to put in the effort, even though we agreed to only go on dates where sex is not possible (ie no more sleeping over, etc). I just worry because every time I sleep with a guy within two or three dates, it goes down in flames and I end up hating myself and slut shaming in my own head. We both expressed that neither of us wants to be the others regret.
Any advice is dearly appreciated.
Correlation does not mean causation. Just because you slept with guys in the first two or three dates, doesn’t mean that’s the reason it didn’t work out. If it is, who cares? Would you really want a hypocritical, judgemental, sex shaming partner?
For dealing with slut shaming in your head: https://ryananswers.wpengine.com/cognitive-reframing/
Your worry seems to be coming from the thought distortion that sex too soon ruins the chances of a relationship, therefore this guy might leave because you had sex with him too soon. Use reframing to help deal with your stress, and hold him to the same standards you use for yourself.
He also had sex with you. Are you doubting him? Are you thinking of cutting things off? If not, why not? And why should he be allowed to use different reasoning?
This is true that because I ‘gave it up’ too quickly on the first two or three dates doesn’t mean that it’s the end all be-all of why nothing ever panned out. With most of those guys, I chalked it up to selfishness and immaturity.
I never understood that it’s a thought distortion that giving sex up quickly ruins the relationship. It was drilled into my head by my parents that only sluts have sex within the first two or three dates, and that women like that NEVER end up with any man. Therefore, me being single and never able to keep an actual boyfriend was perceived by me to be my fault, and that when these men left I was getting what I deserved, which is nothing.
This is the way my entire family thinks, and they all (my cousins in my age group) have stable, long term relationships. The only exception is that of my male cousin, and he’s allowed to not be with anyone because he’s a man and “that’s what men do”.
I admit I do need to work on holding men up to the standards I set for myself, the big ones being acceptance and honesty.
I am not doubting this man. If he had not wanted to sleep with me, he would not have done so. I did not force him to, and I trust that we will continue to be honest with each other based on our conversation of the event the day after. I am not thinking of cutting things off, instead I am happy to see what the future might bring since as of now we are still dating. I am not going to cut things off because as of now, we both seem fine with the way things are. My worry just comes into play when I have my family chanting “why should he want to even stay with you? You gave it away to him so he sees you don’t value yourself? You ruined another potential relationship.” I fear the slow fade. I fear never hearing from him again and having to face my family, alone, and tell them what happened after they know we’ve been on dates.
But your reasoning suggests that I should turn the tables and ask myself these same questions-perhaps he’s worried that I am going to fade or that I was just playing games with him. Or that he thinks I was not serious. Either way, I am just going to let things progress based on our last conversation where we agreed to no more night-time dates that could potentially lead to bed action. That’s really all that I can do at this point.
Thank you for your insight. I am going to re-read the article on cognitive-reframing and apply it to this situation again to make sure that I’ve got it down correctly.
LOVE this. “Family messages” are one of the big areas of focus in counselling for exactly that reason… if you grow up hearing it, you wouldn’t even think of questioning it.
This goes for so many of our beliefs. We think they’re so concrete, so real, when they’re really just distortions or opinions we’ve heard so often that we accept them as fact.
Unless you’re really close with your other family, I’d also hesitate to believe their relationships are great. Maybe they are, but in my first year as a couples therapist I had three or four close friends reach out. People I thought had AMAZING relationships that I was jealous of, and in reality they were on the verge of divorce.
Sounds like your family is delivering some pretty damaging messages about sex in relationships. It must be hard to hear that and still feel good about your choices. Remember there’s nothing wrong with sex or being sexual. It’s one of the best parts of life, actually. Don’t feel bad for being normal and liking it.
Again, love your honesty. The raw truth of the things you’re afraid of and worried about. Own those things and know everyone else feels them. You’re on the right path, I’d definitely suggest turning the tables constantly – it’s a great way to check yourself and spot your biases. Good luck!
Hello Ryan. I was hoping you could give me some advice. I started dating this really funny sweet guy and we ended up getting along extremely well. I found it very easy and fun to be around him. We got together twice and texted everyday for about a week and a half. I went out of town for thanksgiving and when I got back home i went out with a friend and ended up getting extremely drunk. I texted the guy and told him I wanted to see him and although he told me it wasn’t a good night I was belligerent and insisted he come say good night. Well he agreed and the last thing I remember is him asking me if I wanted to go home. I said no and I ended up blacking out and waking up at 4 am, still fairly inebriated, to find that we were in his bed completely naked! He woke up soon after and I expressed to him how sad and disappointed I was at what I had done and that I really liked him and was planning on waiting. However shortly after that rant we ended up having sex again, twice! He was very sweet to me after, very affectionate. But I can’t help but feel low about myself and like I ruined a good thing. We haven’t hung out since that third “date” if you can call it that because I’ve been busy. He has been texting me but I can’t help but feel that things, at least in our text messages, are not the same. He takes longer to text back and doesn’t seem as eager and excited as he used to in his text messages. I just want to know if , next time we do hang out, should I tell him that I’m not going to have sex with him anymore, or would that seem silly and immature? Please help me! Also if I do decide to tell him I want to wait until we have sex again, how can I tell him without sounding like a complete fool? Thank you Ryan!
So I need some advice…
I had sex with my best friend (if you can even call it real sex), I’ve known him for years, we dated on and off, we’ve fooled around (which was also awful) and one day we decided to have sex (while dating). It was the WORST experience ever and it wasn’t my first time. It was so bad that I was crying myself to sleep almost every night. A couple months later we tried again and it was even worse than the last time. He even blamed me for him only lasting 4 seconds… This also resulted in countless hours of bawling and staying up for many hours to blame myself for what happened when it wasn’t even my fault.
This was a year ago, we are still dating but hadn’t tried again since. He is just not good at anything related to sex. AT ALL… Not even foreplay. And no matter what I do to try and help him, I’m stuck with bad sex.
It has come to a point in my life where I just can’t have sex with him. I’m too traumatized to even try again. He will try to get to that point but something in my brain causes me to freak out. I told him about it and he feels so awful. I don’t know how to overcome it. I honestly don’t even know if I can. I just need some advice. Is the relationship over? Will I ever be able to get over it? Should I go to counseling to rid this fear of sex with him? And this fear is ONLY with him.. If I wanted to have sex with someone else, I would be able to without a problem. But with him, I panic and lose my sanity and just become all around scared to have sex with him.. Any advice?
I’d say you’re on the right track with counselling. Our brains are very good at linking two events together – in this case it sounds like a strong connection has formed between sex with him and negative emotions. To get over that, you have to undo that negative connection and work through the pain that caused it in the first place.
Thanks for the help Ryan!!!!!! (Said in a heavily sarcastic tone.)
Hi I met this guy last on Sunday… We had great convo for 9hrs on the phone and FaceTime, Monday I went over his place he cooked and Tuesday he came over my place I cooked… He would text me good morning for the 6 days i known him. Today we had sex and it was amazing but I see that he changed I didn’t call or text him and he texted me saying hello and I texted but I called to speak to him no answer but texting… So I texted back saying wow no calls but testing only!, he calls back 2 and I rejected and texted back saying I called you back, I didn’t reply and he texted again saying I’m back…. I do like him but I don’t want just to be a sex thing with him…. Please give me feed back … I deleted his number from my phone.
Hooooooold on a minute.
He texted you saying hi, and didn’t answer your call right away, you immediately got angry, then he tried calling and you rejected him? And you think he’s the bad guy?
Unless I’m misreading this in a huge way, there was absolutely no reason to delete his number.
Hey. I need help and this is my story. After 6 years my ex got back and “court” me for 2 months. Yes, feelings develop between us. Only this week, we had a date and have sex. He assures me that he only wants me in his future, to be his wife and be the mother of his future children. And he also said that the last thing he will do is to hurt me again. But after we’ve done sex, I have a doubt that maybe he only takes me for granted. I don’t know, maybe I’m just overthinking or my anxiety won’t stop me from this. I don’t know what to do now. I want to believe all of what he said but I don’t know why I feel in doubt.
Hi Ryan. I need some advice please! I met a guy online (he posted an AD), we texted all day, talked on the phone & agreed to meet up that same night. Amazing mind blowing sex but he did not mention he lived with his ex.. He explained that they’re “over” (LOL) but it’s just too expensive to live on your own. Anyway I let that go & kept coming back for more.
Every time we’re together he’s affectionate and says he wants to be with me, that I just have to wait for him. We’ve hung out with his friends but he’s subtly asked me for a threesome with one of them which made me uncomfortable but he didn’t push on. I know some guys are into that but I don’t want to have sex with anyone but him. Was that a red flag that he’s trying to pass me on someone else?
We hung out a few days ago, but the next day I saw he posted another personal ad, even though he changed the words a little, I knew it was him. The ad was basically inviting a cute girl over to see where it goes. Sigh then I snooped further and he had one more 10 days before that. This made me mad and wanting to get revenge but of course I won’t. My question is, just cut him off or keep using him for sex? I wanted to be with him but I just don’t care to get played at all. How should I end this fwb?
So Ive known this guy for about 2 years. We only recently started to hang out it wasn’t stated if it was dating or not. But we been going out with just us 2. He is great. Though in the past month we have gone out twice. So if I felt ready and the timing felt right to have sex with him on the second date is there a possible chance of it forming into something in the future. He aint texted me after that. Should I be worried. How do I sense if this is going to go anywhere.
So I asked the guy that I’m into you that he hasn’t made it official yet what is his life you know what is his dislikes so he doesn’t like to cuddle at night time I’ve never stayed the night with him I’ve been around him for almost 2 months and he says he don’t like to hold hands on public but we held hands in this car and at the lighthouse when we first met and he says he’s not that type of guy that chases a woman I asked him to send me pictures and he won’t send me pictures because he says I’m not his girlfriend but we see each other twice a week and we sleep together and I say well I want to keep your pictures and my memory book and he says I don’t want you to have a memory book and I just feel like he’s pushing me away away now he complain tonight about me texting him a lot so I guess I should back off on that too it feels like it’s getting less and less on everything
I’m not sure what to do. I met this guy who went to highschool with a while ago and we just became friends on social media. We had one official date, and it was great. We connected on different levels then other people do for my generation. I was really starting to like him(I fall quickly) And then on our second date, we had sex. Afterwards we chilled, and then he got an urgent call and had to leave.. we texted a little after, it was real casual. And then he busted out this line. “To be100 with you, you are awesome and that’s how I feel but I’m not over my ex yet. I don’t want to be that guy that leads you on” as relaxed as I am. I wasn’t rude and just replied. “Oh alright, but you already are. Have a good night” the problem is, I was in to him.. does this mean that I ruined what this relationship could have been??
I am no expert but I don’t see that you did anything wrong. If he was really not over his ex he should have told you before you had sex.
Hey.
So i had a date with a guy and he invited his friend over the same day, when his friend saw me he went crazy and said he wanted me to be his girl friend, i ignored the friend but later found out the guy i had a date with has a girl friend, fast forward two months later the friend texts me saying he stole my number from the guy i had a date with, he said the guy just wanted to use me and he actually wants a relationship, we went on a date it was great we kissed, and 2days later it was my birthday, he made a big deal about it bought lots of champaighn took me to dinner and invited his friend, we even took videos and put em on snap chat, but later that night we had sex, i feel so dumb coz on our first date he pinky promised to marry me lol and now he hasnt called but we textmost of the time but i can’t help but feeling insecure mainly coz my party continued till the next day by then i was sloshed and i was talking shit not being violent or cursing but now some things i forgot that i said and i feel embarassed coz he thot highly of me, helppp
That sounds kind of familiar to my problem. I met this guy at a bar, sounds promising right? Anyways we went back to his friends place and had sex which was a mistake.. The next few weekends this continued until I found out he had a girlfriend of almost 4 years. It was difficult to move past this because after all those weeks I had gotten to know him and I thought he was different and I liked him a lot. But then his girlfriend found out so he had to erase me from his life and I realized he was no different he was just better at hiding who he really is. Then I saw him and is friend in the bar a few weekends later and his friend was talking to me and I went home with him and you know the rest. We became friends with benefits until I decided to stop and get my life together. Well now it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him and I texted him wanting to put it all in the past and he knows I’ve changed and seems to accept it. He invited me to go to his place and cook dinner for me. I don’t know what this means or anything I need advice!
The danger of having early sex is NOT that a man judges the woman and then he’s not interested.
The danger is that early sex turns a relationship into a transaction. The best way to explain this is that in order to fall in genuine love and have a good relationship/marriage the man needs quite a lot of time to build emotional desire before first time sex and a woman needs to have built a lot of sexual desire over the course of months before first time sex. The amount of emotional desire that a man has been able to build and had time to fully experience is the amount that he will desire to emotionally connect after his sexual needs are met. The amount of sexual desire that has been built is the amount of sexual desire that she will experience for the man after her emotional needs are met in a relationship.
So for example a couple has sex on the second date. The women will never really enjoy sex and see it as a violation and trade it for what she wants- affection and conversation. Similarly the man will not really enjoy emotionally connecting, he will trade it for sex.
The degree to which love was built before first time sex is the degree to which a man will actually want to emotionally connect after his sexual needs are met. And the degree to which a woman will actually desire sex with a man after he has fulfilled her emotional needs.
So having early sex you are basically messing up your relationship a lot. If your wife doesn’t ever desire sex with you and your meeting emotional needs well, then you can go to as much marriage counseling and learn to write poetry, etc. but outside of a miracle from God she probably will never experience strong sexual desire for you! And the truth is that after the first couple times, she never desired you, she just had sex and considered it the cost of getting what she really wanted- cuddling, conversation, etc. The man that doesn’t actively desire to make you the happiest woman in the world in a relationship when his sexual needs are being regularly met probably never wanted to. He just considers it the cost of what he really wants- pussy.
This isn’t really love. It’s appreciating someone for how they can meet your needs.
This dynamic may be different if the man is very feminine and the woman is very masculine though.
Hi
I met a guy on tinder (lol) at the end of November. We met up and at the end of the date he kissed me. He also told me that he had to go home for a month because he was in the process of moving to the city that we met in. I am also new to the city which is why i was on tinder in the first place because new people. We texted all of december and january and on the day he moved here he texted me and told me he was back. About 2 weeks after he came back we went on another date out to dinner. We kissed at his apartment after. A few nights later he texted me saying he didnt want to lead me on but right now he was just looking for casual fun and didnt want to dive into anything so quickly. I said i understood and i was okay with that, which i thought i might be. About a week later i went to his place and we made dinner and after that we slept together. About a week later i went over again -for sex (my choice). Weve talked About long term casual fun. The thing is ive done that before and the first time i really fell for the guy. Right now i am not attached at all but i worry that i may end up liking him. At the same time, i really enjoy casual fun! Part of me wants to slow it down and maybe go for a relationship, but part of me enjoys what it is. He seems like a nice guy, doesnt really drink, thinks about my needs and what i like. I am not clingy to him at all. We text once in awhile but i never text him constantly or added him on any social media. How can i turn things around with him? I think we have good chemistry… should i back off for awhile and let him decide if he wants to pursue me or not?
Hi Ryan. I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is 2 years younger than me. We have been together for one year and we have sex almost everyday or every other day since we started dating. I get scared sometimes that is it the physical relation that is helping us stay together and continue the relation despite all the problems that we had, (small issues regarding him being immature or because it’s first relation and mine third and I know what to do and what not in terms of taking decisions, etc.) or am I overthinking?
Also I am afraid that if we get married, in future we might get bored of the fun too soon which sounds scary.
Would like to have your suggestion on it please. Thank you
Hi Ryan
I met a lovely guy on Tinder, 1st of February 2916, we connected right away, didnt stop chatting till our first date a week later, he was a gentleman, treated me to wine and dinner, conversation flowed, we had a lot in common, we hugged goodnight at the end of the night. Later he expressed that he was extremely attracted to me and wanted to kiss me. I liked him a lot but didnt feel sexual chemistry. I agreed to see him again hoping I would be sexually attracted to him on the second date as I did when we were chatting via text. I felt butterflies while chatting via text. Second date was just as great, after a few glasses of wine I fencied him a lot, he gave me a light kiss at the end of the date, it was nice, I was turned on. We flirted via text before bed, I said I wanted to see him the next day, he said he wouldn’t mind seeing me in the next hour. I couldn’t as it was already after midnight and I had a commitment the next day but I promised to come to his place after that, I told him to cook and I brought wine. But when I arrived at his place, I didnt feel the sexual chemistry again, he is a good cook but his place was a bit of a bachelor pad, a bit untidy. We ate and spent all night talking. At the back of my mind I was dreading intimacy as he started kissing me, also kissing my breasts. His kissing was a bad and then I noticed he had abnormally big flat feet with hammertoes, big turn off but I tried to ignore them, at the same time I felt myself getting less and less attracted to him. At 01h30 in the morning ge said he was tired and we should go to bed. I suggested sleeping on the couch, he said come on, I won’t do anything you don’t want. We got to bed, he starts kissing me passionately after brushing his teeth, I could still taste toothpaste in his mouth, another turn off. I thought it would end there but he started breathing heavily and taking off his clothes, I decided to just go with the flow as I didnt want him to think I led him on only to turn him dowm, sex wasn’t bad except if was kinda rough, i guess he was excited, I felt shitty the next day about sleeping with him. I am confused whether I should give him a chance cause he ticks most boxes except i didnt feel like jumping his bones the 1st time. Oh 2 days later, it was my birthday, he called me and texted me midday and evening but no plans to celebrate. Should I have expected him to ask me out for dinner for something? I told him I was disappointed, he claims he thought I would have plans.
Hi Ryan
I met a nice guy on Tinder, 1st of February 2016, we connected right away, didnt stop chatting till our first date a week later, he was a gentleman, treated me to wine and dinner, conversation flowed, we had a lot in common, we hugged goodnight at the end of the night. Later he expressed that he was extremely attracted to me and wanted to kiss me. I liked him a lot but didnt feel sexual chemistry. I agreed to see him again hoping I would be sexually attracted to him on the second date as I did when we were chatting via text. I felt butterflies while chatting via text. Second date was just as great, after a few glasses of wine I fencied him a lot, he gave me a light kiss at the end of the date, it was nice, I was turned on. We flirted via text before bed, I said I wanted to see him the next day, he said he wouldn’t mind seeing me in the next hour. I couldn’t as it was already after midnight and I had a commitment the next day but I promised to come to his place after that, I told him to cook and I brought wine. But when I arrived at his place, I didnt feel the sexual chemistry again, he is a good cook but his place was a bit of a bachelor pad, a bit untidy. We ate and spent all night talking. At the back of my mind I was dreading intimacy as he started kissing me, also kissing my breasts. His kissing was a bad and then I noticed he had abnormally big flat feet with hammertoes, big turn off but I tried to ignore them, at the same time I felt myself getting less and less attracted to him. At 01h30 on Valentines day morning he said he was tired and we should go to bed. I suggested sleeping on the couch, he said come on, I won’t do anything you don’t want. We got to bed, he starts kissing me passionately after brushing his teeth, I could still taste toothpaste in his mouth, another turn off. I thought it would end there but he started breathing heavily and taking off his clothes, I decided to just go with the flow as I didnt want him to think I led him on only to turn him down, sex wasn’t bad except if was kinda rough, i guess he was excited. He woke up early to make breakfast. I felt shitty the next day about sleeping with him when I wasn’t obviously ready. I wanna feel the lust. I am confused whether I should give him a chance cause he seems to tick most boxes of what i want except i didnt feel like jumping his bones the 1st time. O! 2 days later, it was my birthday, he called me and texted me midday and evening but no plans to celebrate. Should I have expected him to ask me out for dinner for something? I told him I was disappointed, he claims he thought I would have plans. Any advice?
Hi Ryan I have a question, I went out on 5 dates with a guy that I meet at work the first date happened 3 days before valentines it really went well we were both nervous (i felt this way because I had never gone out with a man from a different ethnic background I am Latina he is white) but at the end of the date he kissed me and asked me to be his valentine,On valentines he picked me up gave me an orchid and the date went well he was going out of town for a week but said that he wanted to see me again after he got back, when he did got back we made plans to watch a favorite show that we both liked (we have a lot of things in common golf, bowling, family life the only difference is that I am 32 divorced and I have a 12 year old which he said he didn’t mind at all he is 36 has been single for 3 years and once made a comment about having a hard time being in a relationship which I honestly can say I was ok with because at this point I didn’t know him well enough to want that) so anyways 3rd date we watched the show and spent the better part of 7 hours making out it got hot and heavy but no sex as I wasn’t ready and he wasn’t ready either, date four we went to dinner and had a great time we talked about many things and he told me he wanted to show me many things he wanted to go hiking and take me up to his cabin he wanted to take me ice fishing which I thought was kind of cool and I felt things were progressing fine I felt like there was something but I wasn’t sure he even made a comment that his best friend wanted us to go on a double date to this bar that he knows all those things told me that maybe he wanted to get to know me more after dinner we went back to his place and hung out for a little while with his roommate we talked and then excused ourselves to his room we made out and we had talked about seeing each other on monday (this date was on thursday) before I left he said he couldn’t wait to see me until monday so I said well we could go for a walk tomorrow that was a friday, on Friday I show up at his place we watched tv and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex twice I asked him if he felt it was too soon but he said no because we have known each other for 2 years and I have liked you all that time I felt a little off but he said he didn’t regret it at all so I felt ok the next day he texted to tell me he was going to hang out with a coworker to play video games and I replied like I always do “have fun” and I didn’t really hear from him the rest of the day sunday morning I get a message asking me if I wanted to go out for coffee I agreed he told me to meet him at a coffee shop but then changed his mind and asked me to meet him at his place I agreed so I went as I pulled up he was waiting outside for me he asked me to take a seat and proceded to tell me that he felt like an asshole because he wasn’t interested in me he lost interest since we had sex, I did the only thing I could and said well ok, I asked him what I had done wrong he said nothing that it was him that he had forced himself to try to feel something for me but there wasn’t anything there and he felt bad about it I am not going to lie he looked miserable but I guess it was because he didn’t know what my reaction would be I guess he was expecting drama but I am far to old for that so I asked him the obvious question is is because I am Latina his reply was that has nothing to do with that I really liked you its just that I don’t know what happened after we had sex so I said oh then I was just an experiment you just wanted to try something different he didn’t defend himself at all he just listen to what I had to say I felt used, I was just a novelty another notch on his bed post his only reply was not at all I feel so bad about it, and I said or did you just asked me out because half of the guys at work wanted to ask me out and you just wanted to beat them to the punch ( I am the only woman that works there I work in construction) thats when he got mad it was the only reaction he showed he said that they had nothing to do with his reasons my last words for him were Don’t ever contact me again do not call me text me or anything else if you see me at work don’t look in my direction and if we ever run into each other in the street don’t acknowledge me I will do the same don’t worry you will never hear from me have a good life and good bye. I already unfriended him on FB and erased his # from my cell and deleted all text and IMs. I really didn’t have expectations I liked him and I wanted to get to know him more I took everything as we were having fun I wasn’t needy because I was not in a rush. now I just feel used.
Now WTF did I do something wrong?
Hi i really like what I’m reading hear.. But now for MW I can’t say I’m happy, I just meet this guy in the past few month,we just used to greet each other and having no conversation at all due to work times when we meet.So he was joking that he should buy me lunch sometime and I responded with an answer of yes and his numbers, truly speaking I really like him.So he passed one time and gave me his numbers on that very same day I called him and we meet up then we were off to his place…good conversation we had the mood was very high we ended up in bed.Now I’m really like in love with him that I’m actually afraid to tell h cause I don’t know how he wil react to this..pls help me..
Ryan, I’ve been talkin to a guy for 3 yrs. Yes I slept with him the first night. Our sex is so overwhelmingly satisfying, on both sides. But yet that’s all it is to him. He tells me he loves me yet his actions prove different. He is 9 yrs younger than me. Do you think I should let him go or is it possible he could change how he looks at me? He says he’s looking for the one that will put up with his bs. But 3yrs should be proof enough? I’m thinkin! Is it an age thing or am I always going to be just good sex for him? And dumb to continue! In your opinion?
Thank you. This is awesome. As a woman, I have a very strong sex drive. It is so frustrating and sexist that people almost always say woman are to be the gatekeeper of sex, and hold off on sex to keep him wanting you. Then you only end up with guys with low sex drives who won’t be able to keep up with me or satisfy me.
There is so much guilt and shame pushed onto women for having sex or for being sexual. It’s like there’s this social assumption that we’re supposed to just be sexually appealing visually to men, just objects, but we’re not supposed to have any drive or desire of our own? What is that all about? A woman can value a man less for having sex early just as he can her. And a man who truly loves a woman would love her even after sex, and the love shouldn’t go down. I’ve read so many horrible things online written by both men and women that was really having a negative effect on me. Thank you for being the first person I’ve read from online who sees through the sexist double standard BS out there. In addition, those untrue beliefs about male and female sexuality are not only damaging to women–they are insulting to me–insinuating that they are not logical enough to control their sexuality–that they are more animal than rational, that it is a woman’s responsibility to be enlightened enough for the both of them. One thing I do appreciate about my religion is that it has the same sexual expectations for men and women. Thank you so much for your article.
Hi Ryan! I met this guy, he asked for my number. We went on a date and we had sex ( We had way too many drinks). After this we kept constantly texting and We went on a second date. We didn’t drink but we had sex again. We are still texting but in our second date he said h was not expecting to have sex the first date.Also, in one of our texts he said he thought I was very innocent but he said he likes my bad side, And then he asked me what things turn me on. I feel there is a connection but I don’t want this to become only about sex. I don’t know what to say to him, I want to tell him I’ve never did this before (because it’s true) and I want to take things slower, get to know him better. How can I do this? and do you think that this affected the way he sees me? He said he likes me and I don’t know I don’t want this to be only about sex
Hi Ryan. Read your post but don’t really know where to fix myself. I crushed for a guy for two and half year now. And we finally get to meet. On our first date we had sex. I did it willing bcuz I love him but right now I don’t know my faith with him anymore.
Hi Ryan. Read your post but don’t really know where to fix myself. I crushed for a guy for two and half year now. And we finally get to meet. On our first date we had sex. I did it willing bcuz I love him but right now I don’t know my faith with him anymore. Please what most I do to keep the relationship going. I really love him and don’t want to loss him.
Great post! My ex boyfriend started out as a one night stand, we were together a little over three years until he became ill and his mental health declined to the point where a relationship was no longer possible.I kept in touch with him for a few more years but he was not the same and we drifted apart.
I love sex and believe sex to be a big part of a healthy relationship so I don’t see the point in waiting until I am emotionally invested only to find out he is terrible in bed or that we are just terrible together. I want to be with someone I connect with on every level. Also I figure if a man can’t respect me if I am willing to have sex with him “too soon” then he has some warped views on women, sex and respect and I want no part of it. I also wonder how he truly feels about himself, like if me having sex with you makes me dirty or whatever than wtf does that say about you and how you view yourself?
If I want to have sex with someone and they want to have sex with me then yayy lets have sex! If we never see each other again? It was obviously not meant to be.
Omg… I feel awful. I met this guy on line and we had an instant connection through text and phone. Great banter. He just moved here a week ago so he is new to town. He kept asking me a few superficial questions such as physical characteristics, height, appearance etc. I am 50 and he is 49. He asked me to connect on fb bc he said that’s a great way to learn a lot about a person. I agreed and so far I passed the test- lol. We agreed to make a date the following week. Our date was awesome – we went to dinner, laughed, walked on the beach, kissed and then I left.
You should know that I drove to his house bc his apartment is across the street from the restaraunt. After dinner we walked around to the pool and he kissed me and I have to say he is an amazing kisser and the chemistry is off the charts. That doesn’t happen for me that often. I left and he acted a little insulted but we made a date for the next night. I told him that I am not the type of girl that sleeps ariund and have never been a one night stand. I need to be in a committed relationship and definitely wouldn’t sleep with someone who is on line and to soon to tell.
The next night he asks me to drive down again. I had suggested that we meet in the middle but he said he really wanted to stay Local near his house and asked if I would drive to him. I did bc I wanted to see him. He said I should stay over and we could cuddle. I told him I needed to go home but would consider that another night. Fast forward, we had a great time. He asked my about my last relationship and He told me about his. Both were long term off and on.
We went back to his place and he asked me to cuddle with him. Great chemistry but I felt uncomfortable bc I did t want to tease him and then go home. I’m my book mean what you say and say what you mean. I told him o needed to go bc I had a long way home. He was not happy and said he felt rejected. I told him again that I really liked him and really hoped we could get to know one another. He disinvited me to his house the next day to hang out on the beach and said he needed to just do his own thing. He said he wasnt going to chase me. He said he thought maybe I was t over my ex… Which I completely am. It’s like he was trying to be manipulative and in any case I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I like him a lot but I also feel he just moved here and is on tinder and dating a lot of women and I don’t want to give it up for a stanger to be left heartbroken bc I know I liked him and I feel like no big rush. Is the guy a jerk or do I need to grow up and not take things so seriously? I’m mad at myself bc I guess I ruined it with a man that I was attracted to. As I say I meet lots of men but I have t felt the chemistry w any of them like this in a long time. Please advise.
Did you ever bring up your ex?
He definitely sounds manipulative IMO. A guy who has morals/respect would be fine without sex, just your presence is more than enough. Feelings come & go so please keep looking& living life!
We spoke about our past relationships that we stayed in too long. Nothing else. I definitely feel he was being manipulative. I guess another one bites the dust. He called to apologize and than asked me to come over on Sunday to lay by the pool. I told him at that point that I made other plans since he has “disinvited ” me the night before bc he was insulted that I left his house. Really??? As I’m typing this I’m saying to myself… This guy is a jerk. Lol thanks for your response … Next…:))
OK so I’ve read over all these comments. I’m recently getting a divorce but hasn’t went through but I moved 5 hours away to start over and get all of it done. I’ve been through so much and just honestly with my bad separation from husband long story I just want to b happy and loved for truly once in my life. Well I tried the dating sites and have dated a few guys that all seem to just want one thing and of course I’m not that girl and I make it clear. I’m so tired of being looked at as a sex object and told all the time I’m soooo beautiful and everything is just amazing to them about me. Well start seeing one and gave it another chance cause I really just want to give up on dating and explained to this I think is a wonderful man and everything I’ve been through and all this stress of life things I’m going through exc. And he was very understanding and said everything is going to b OK. Freaking kissed me to unexpectedly after our conversation. Oh it was a amazing kiss and didn’t think of it went about our night to his place to hang and drink and I tell u just going with the flow of things was not even expecting anything to happen. Me and him had been talking off and on for like a month and hits me up and asked to hang out that he’s ready meet me and I was really ready to meet him. We had and amazing night of just kissing talking getting to know one another I was just so comfortable with him. Well of course we hit it off so well things led to another and both agreed if it happened it. Man this man was just beautiful amazing in every way for sure chemistry all the way around amazing. All he keep saying was how amazing I was and felt just everything. Let’s just say it was way over amazing. I’m small and he’s well in doubt OK. Just wow. So anyway great night got our showers and passed smooth out from working alot and I understood so I laid down with him. Cuddle amazing that was just awesome. He gets up from work and goes to work and says I’ll see when I get off at 5 and I’ll take u home kissed me good me good bye twice like he couldn’t get enough of me. Well of course I couldn’t go back to sleep after the amazing night I thought we had. So I text him just jokingly saying can I keep u. He text back lol I wished but it would b hard seeing how just work here and can’t move to far from his kids oh and he said by the way I’ll back around noon they switched us to nights and I need to get u back home so I can get back and get some rest to go in at 7. OK fine I said short sweet I’ll just get a ride home. He’s like is everything OK so short and all. I was like yeah it’s cool I just never should have come here and don’t want to b treated this way like a one night stand and never see u again. He came back to his place instead of texting me to talk to me and was real sensor what’s wrong why would u think I treat that way it’s not even like that. Well fish darn long story short I just said oh fine I understood. He took me back home and as soon as he got here he kicked his shoes off and we laid down together for bit and couldn’t stay long and said that. We as y’all all know the freaking chemistry was so there I couldn’t but just wrap up with him and kiss and OMG u know. So amazing again. He had to leave he said to get back and rest and couldn’t stay a my place a hour away and limited on sleep. Well left kissed me by walked out like he wanted me too kissed again it’s just straight reaction with us awesome amazing chemistry. Well to my ? This happened on this past Friday and I was off work Saturday but he was supposedly working nights and going in a 7. I hadn’t gotten a text message back one in all the text I sent and they r b read and nothing back and he talked about us seeing each other Monday well still hadn’t heard anything. Should I just assume he just working tired and busy and no time and give him a chance to maybe b here Monday and hopes he text or something today or should I just realize he just got what he wanted and done. I really like him alot have cried and cause we both felt this just amazing chemistry and all was just awesome. Just feel like I was used done and over. I get attached to easily and get took advantage of and I’m tired of it and it hurts bad. I just want to believe the way he was with me and just touched me so sweet and intimate that he’s just busy and will get to me. I just don’t know. Any advice to what to do.
Now when u call his phone it says the wireless customer is unavailable please try your call again later. Did he block me. Not sure that deserve any of that. I mean I know weather is bad so could b service. Maybe everything will b just fine I hope .All I can think about us him 🙁
So Steph. Did you ever hear back from him ?
I been seeing this guy for six months. We met on-line ( dating site) then we met in person over lunch at a restaurant. Well two weeks later we met up again at same restaurant. This time we ate then we rode around in his truck. I asked was he clean of any stds or viruses. He said yes he have the paper work. So I haven’t had sex in over a year, this kitty was purring.. I gave him oral in his truck. I sound like a street walker telling my story.Lol.. Back to the story . We got a room and we took a shower. We had protection but never used them . I guess my brain was clouded with cum. It was good but he gotten to hot. So I was left still horny. So after that episode , 3 weeks later he invited me to his home which is nice . He’s my first white guy . He cooks for me , we watch movies when I visit . We have a good time when our kids are gone for the weekends. Oh he is retired military also.( Iraq)
He puts on a tuff guy act because he been hurting by his baby mother. We never talked about being in a serious relationship . It’s been enjoying each other company having grown up fun. Now 5 months in our sex / friendship , he starting to open up about his feelings for me. He likes my personality and he swears I have a pussy of a god. Hell he talks about it alot . I think he is getting pussy whip .We never used protection so i think that plays a big part in his feelings plus he is the only guy I been with . He catches himself when he gets into his feelings. We stay www miles away from each other. I do all the driving damn miles on my car.He said right now he do not want to let me go. I bet all this honey he is getting. I tried to call it off because I want to know where this is going but he want say, just he loves my company and my sex. He begged me to come see him but turn around and say I’m not begging but I really miss you and want to see you. It’s been two weeks really. I’m sacred of a committed relationship. Two divorces. He never been married. I don’t know because I do like being with him.
We stay 113 miles from each other.
Hi, so I’ve recently come out of a year long relationship that was super intense. For two months i was a wreck up and down and then i finally felt like was over hi. i felt like my old self. very confident and happy. i went out with friends to a friends party and BAM chemistry with a gorgeous man. We chatted a bit and then when i was leaving he tried to block my way but seemed to not have the confidence to ask e out so i left. i gave my friends the heads up the ext day to give him my number and he ended up asking em out three days later! But it was for th very next day and so we didn’t meet. We needed up going on a date two weeks later as he lives away every other week to be wth his son, which i found out on our date. in fact i got the whole life story! he made no moves on me but asked when he’d see me again. We organised another date a while later as he rarely texts and i was away for work and he was away too. So another day date and then we left and i felt a bt weird about it, unsure. So i asked him out for a drink, which he said he would love to do. we set a date. we ended up going for a drink, then being the last people in the pub we went out t a night club and again were then last people, i ended up inviting him back to mine, still basically wanting to know what he thought of me. finally on my sofa he kissed me, we then had sex and the next day i felt very weird, like it ad happened too soon and i wasn’t even sure i wanted to kiss him- vulnerable and defensive feeling. So that night i saw him as he had a show on and i was super feverous, but he kissed me on the mouth and was very sweet to me. i felt really awkward and chatted to him later in the evening to say i was going home, he then invited em away with his friend for the weekend. the next day i said i would go wont them. i didn’t hear back from him for two days! so i got super defensive and when he finally got in touch it took me a couple of days to say it wasn’t going to work for me. i decided in needed to hang out and get to know him better bare the sex, but then when he came back fro his son that next week, he asked if i was free that night and we met up, had dinner and ended up being the last people on the restaurant! i tried to explain that it was going a bit fact and his invitation had concerned me too soon as i didn’t know what he wanted and he said he was going with the flow. i guess i self sabotaged and i went against my original plan and i ended up inviting him back to mine and we had sex again, i felt better this time but he had to leave early in the morning. i didn’t hear from him until i sent him a message two days later asking how his trip was, he sent a really curious reply but nothing more. we had previously said we would meet up this week. but i haven’t heard from him and i am so anxious and unsure of how to play this. i do like him but i feel like I’ve been intimate way to soon and I’m worried he’s a rebound, but i dontwant to just have casual sex, also that he’s not going to contact me or maybe he’s not into me. i have lot of conflicting thoughts. i want to talk to him but i feel I’ve made myself too easy and maybe into a booty call? not sure how to play this at all i feel so confused. Help!!
Yes, so I went out on a first date with a guy and we had sex after. We connected a lot and talked about so many different things, so in the moment I thought whether I would regret it or not and I decided it was what I wanted. I never do this with a guy I actually like. at the end, after he drove me home, he got my number and there haven’t been any booty calls or anything. I want to tell him I want to get to know him before/if we do that again, take things more slowly, but is that something I say in person on a second date, or is it okay to say over the phone on a voice message or something?
I don’t know my case is just different there’s this guy we have been best friends from the past few years and he shares all his problems with me and started me to think that he loves me he cares for me sometimes but then he is not in a relationship with me but has se* with me I dont know at smme point I feel like he is just using me at skme point bug I camt stop him either coz I luv him like crazy I dont know wheter its right ir wrong I made him my first priority but im no where in his life I tried to leave him soo many times but he dsnt let me go but this time I think he has decided tht he would move out of life cz he is been behaving weird from past few days no csll no text message nothing. .I need to talk to someone bbcz this thing is eating me up from within
I understand what you going through. I’ve been in a situation kind of like that. They give you mix feelings, use us as a emotional pick me. We give them sex they feel better and they’re gone. I’ve learned when I start feeling like I’m tired of it I keep moving forward, even their lies can’t make me stay anymore.
I am so not impressed. Does anyone have values here? Disgusting
after 2years of be ing with my gf we was gettig into arguements alot so i decided anuf was anuf and ended it 2weeks into us ending se was constantly crying on the phone for me back begging me. so i decided to make another go of it so we got back together had sex then the day after she ended it blocked my phone number the lot basicaly cut me out her life that same day she met some1 else and with in a week she had sex with him i waited 6month for her to be ready for sex with me as she didnt want to rush it as she was making sure i was the guy she wanted to be, im 10year older than her and her first true love as she is now 20 and im 30. and the worst part is that she laffed when o found out and seems to be tryna rub it in my face, said she dont love me and just woke up not loveing me even tho i was everything to her and she used always get depressed saying why cant i love her back the same she loves me but its hard to when she is so needy and paranoid all the time thinking im gona run away with some1, so why after all the drama has she just gone and acts like i dont xsist or seems to not even care about me, is she just on rebound tryna block her feelings she has for me running away from them, if i was her first true love why has she got over me so quik and dont seem to be affected by it she just says u had more than anuf chances and fucked me off ul never change for me, tbh i ended it but after everything she said about how bad i was if i met some1 new strait away and even attepted to get with some1 else its a joke and was nit fair on her, she also said that she is wel and done with men and wont be going near 1 for a wile yet she was with some1 a week later, im just comfused as to why she has done this i dont get her tbh
I’ve been googling since this morning and so far this is the best answer yet. Realistic, yet comforting. I don’t think I’m ready on the first date, I don’t think she’s ready either, and in my experience it ruins relationships. I’m supposed to have a date today, we shall see.
Chris, 35
Okay this is rather long!
In the summer I met this guy at a concert. We go on a date and we had a wonderful time! I went on vacation some days after and he texted me every day about how he was looking forward to see me again etc. we really had one of those “this is special” kind of connection. When I came back he suddenly pulls away and doesn’t really ask if we should meet. I met him randomly in the street a few days after I am home where he told me he was going through a lot atm and didn’t want it to rub it off on me. However he did ask if we should get coffee one of the following days.
When we meet i ask him what is wrong and his eyes gets misty and he tells me the last 3 months has been horrible. He has broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years and something about his friends too was not so good. I tell him i think he should work on getting better and we say goodbye.
After 3 Weeks i still feel very confused about it all and that it happened so quickly. I ask him if we should meet and he would very much like to do that. We have a great date holding hands and he tells me that he is feeling much better now and he is sorry it took him so long.
Two days later it is Friday and I am with my friend. We want to go dancing and I can see that he is attending the event of the party we want to go to. I write him what he is doing tonight and he says he is at the club. My friend and I go there and we have a good time. The guy and I end up going home together (looking back it was on my initiative). The next day he is acting hectic and says he really didn’t thought this would happen now and he was freaking out a little bit. He tells he he hasn’t had sex since his ex. I ask him if he at all think it is a good idea that we have a situation going on between us and he says it is not like that and doesn’t really completely disagree either. I ask him again what is wrong and he gets tears in his eyes again of the same reasons as last time. He then kisses me and says I am so wonderful. Then I leave. After that the texting and been rather stiff and awkward and we haven’t been hanging out again. After 3 weeks I ask him if we should meet and we agree a day. But the day after he sends he a long message with this:
I have been thinking a lot. And the reason I havn’t been texting that much is because I can feel that I need some time on my own. I thought it would be good for me to meet someone new, but I think it is a little too early. I am really sorry that things went on for so long with you. But think you are really nice and would still like to get to know you better, I just don’t think I can commit or have any kind of relationship right now. I was unsure to write this now, or talk about it on sunday, but I dont want to waste your time if there are other things you want to do. However, I would still like to drink coffee on sunday if you want!
I replied with this:
I appreciate your honesty. It sounds like you really should spend some time just on your own. I really hope you will get happiness into your life again and that is easiest to do by yourself. I hope you maybe can meet again when you feel more ready. But until then I can feel that I need somebody more sure on because I dont want to be with someone unsure of me.
The little i have known you has been lovely and i wish you all the best
And he wrote me back this:
Yes, I feel the same way. I don’t think it is fair to you when I feel like I do. But I hope like you to that we can meet once again because I also think it was been really lovely.
It has been one month now of since these messages and I haven’t heard from him. First I was very relieved but now I have this incredible need to talk to him and tell him I think things happened too quickly. Because I know they did and I just got carried away and I am sad things ended because I am sure things would be good if we gave it time! I think he got scared about jumping in to a new relationship already, but we barely have had time to get to know each other…
Is there any chance I can change the situation or should I just move on? I have a hope he will come back but as they days go by I doubt it more and more.
Was it just a nice way of dumping me?
Jennifer, 23
If something bothers you enough to occupy your thoughts, it’s worth talking about. Ask him and get your closure.
Hey Ryan here’s one for you, guy I was talking to for a week or so via phone and text seemed super interested in me, told me “if I wasn’t sure I was ready to pursue anything serious then I wouldn’t” “I’m ready for marriage etc..” then immediately after we had sex, a sudden drawback on communication happened. No longer seemed interested in getting to know me. I asked about it and told him he could be honest with me if he only wanted to be friends or if I just wasn’t what he was looking for. He then sent a text saying “honestly I don’t know where I’m at. I know I’m not ready for a committed relationship anytime soon. My feelings haven’t changed. I’m not the type to lead anyone on I would be upfront about it etc” lol I’m taking it like ok, he got what he wanted and that’s it. He’s over it. Am I overthinking this? Because I’m thinking I’m better off just accepting it for what it is and backing away. Thoughts?
Hi Steph,
My understanding is this: He implied he was ready to pursue a serious relationship, slept with you, then revealed he lied about being ready to get into a serious relationship, presumably so he could sleep with you.
Doesn’t sound like you’re overthinking it at all.
hey Ryan,
I work with this guy he’s 30 I’m 35..I have 2 kids 6 n 14 he has no kids..we stared talking he came over about 3xs before we had sex..previously be4 that happened when we were close he said I wanna wait because everytime I have sex to early everything goes downhill from there.
well it happened anyway..we’ve been talking 4 about 4 months but I really don’t know him..we text all day but it’s dry like nothing in depth..I’ve told him I don’t have casual sex but at this point I’m starting to not even want to have sex because it’s like there is no emotional bond there..I don’t know him and I’ve told him this..I met his friends around Christmas but we really don’t do anything but he comes over has sex and leaves..he won’t stay the night either which I find is EXTREMELY WEIRD..he says he can’t sleep unless it’s in his own bed..now we work together n we are friends on social media so I know he has no gf but I’m thinking does he have other people he’s stringing along? like I’m always so confused and never know where we stand…help!
Great article on this topic!
We knew each other for about a yr then at his divorce party and after drinking hooked up. I thought that was it because it wasn’t that great. The next day at work we talked and ended back at his place. The sex was great. I had never had an orgasm before. ( married twice and never any orgasms) we moved in together 5 months later and I thought we were good. 6 months later with no signals he got in touch with his exwife and remarried her. After the honeymoon he came back. Said it was a mistake. She convinced him to try again for their little boy who died. He said he was dumb and stupid (only 25) we got back together and married 9 months after his divorce. We have been together 46 yrs and sex has been 3 times a day. Now we have sex less often (1 time every 3 days) he just got over the flu ands says he is still tired. How long does it take to get interested after getting sick. I am losing my patience.
A a lot of it has to do with if this is her normal behavior. In my case the woman I love the most I have sex with her on the first date and we wound up sending 10 years together until her death. I don’t know it’s true but I do trust her and she said that is not her normal behavior. So I guess in a way I felt special and it got me out of the funk I was in although now I am back in another one since her death. This is the woman I love the most for all of my life and I’ve been married to another woman and had kids and had no kids with this woman and I still love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I never felt like she was a s*** I felt like she gave me a gift. Also hasten for a little bit of the best sex I’ve ever had and trust me I’ve had some good ones.
I had a porn addiction that plagued me for over 10 years and I’m now 29. It’s been two months sense I stopped watching g porn and I feel great and I’m proud of myself. I unfortunately developed ED as a side effect to watching porn too long. I just got into a relationship two months ago to a girl who is now my girlfriend. Three weeks into the relationship she and I try to have sex but I wanted to wait but it was in the moment so I went with the flow but I couldn’t get the job done. After that I put it off because of what I found out about myself and what kind of problems I would have to figure out. Last week I tried to have sex again and I messed it up again because I was worried about messing it up. I really love this girl but I don’t know what to do or how to move forward.
Hi Nicholas,
Thank you so much for sharing this. Congrats on your progress!
Although I can’t advise specifically via a comment exchange, I can offer you some things I’ve found to be generally true when working with men on this issue.
-They are usually people pleasers, and can have trouble focusing on their own needs. They tie performance and approval from others to safety and acceptance. This can cause preoccupation with performing and pleasuring their partner, as well as difficulty focusing on their own pleasure, which can in turn lead to ED
-They often have backgrounds involving parents who didn’t tend to their emotional needs. This is a common pathway to becoming a people pleaser – when your needs are not acknowledged, you learn to find security in relationships by identifying and meeting the needs of others instead
-This ties into porn use because porn eliminates the cause of this form of ED: pleasing others. Porn does not involve another person. You don’t need to worry about what turns you on or what you want leading to shame, judgment, or rejection. You don’t need to worry about how your partner feels or if they’re satisfied.
Unfortunately, this is often (in my opinion) mislabeled as an addiction. It is not. Calling it an addiction can stigmatize the coping behaviour and lead to further shame. It is normal to want your intimate needs met and it is normal to do this with porn if face to face interactions are overwhelming. If coping like this is causing problems in your life (which seems to be the case) it’s a great idea to work with a therapist to identify the root causes and address them together.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
Thank you for approaching this subject with sensitivity and insight. Your article encourages a healthier and more open dialogue about intimacy and its role in relationships. Keep up the great work!
Hi Ryan, any advice would be really appreciated.
Several nights ago I was out in town drinking at a pub with live music and a woman came up to me and wanted to dance with her. After we danced for awhile she took my phone and entered her number. Before she and her friends left she asked me to check in later. My friend and I later planned to head home so I sent her a text first, got no reply and went home. Of course after I got home I got a reply and she asked if I was going to stay in. I said I didn’t know what my plans were and she said she wanted to see me. I felt strong chemistry from when we were at the pub and really wanted to see her again. The age gap is 25 years, I’m 55 and she’s 30, but we’re both at adult stages of our lives and the connection was strong, I headed out to the bar she was at and met up with her. We were both drunk and after not too long she initiated a kiss which quickly became a lot more and over the course of the next few hours at the bar and in my car we had a wonderful intense physical experience. We didn’t get to intercourse, it wasn’t important to me, the making out and fooling around was awesome enough, and I could tell she didn’t want to go there, especially drunk, and I let her initiate our physical progression and by the end she climaxed. I don’t think either of us wanted it to end but it was really late and she had to work the next day. I dropped her off by her home, she seemed hesitant to let me know exactly where she lived which I took to be as just a woman in todays world being extra careful.
I texted her the next morning to check in and never got a reply. I really wanted to see her again, even just to have coffee and talk. The connection we had was amazing and I would have like to explore it further and see what we might have together. So, I’ve been sad about it for the last week, and also confused about what might have happened. I’ve thought of a few possibilities. She might have just been looking for nothing more than a hook up from the start; the next day the age gap bothered her more than the night before; or she didn’t intend for things to go so far so fast but the alcohol on top of the chemistry was too much and the next morning she was embarrassed about losing control (although I don’t think she should be, we were really attracted to each other and the night was intense and wonderful).
Just wondering if you might have any insights on what happened and why she’s ghosted me.
Thanks, Zach
I should add one interesting thing was that she wanted to, and did, introduce me as her boyfriend to strangers at the bar.