Mar 312015
 

What Attracts Women to Men PsychologyIt’s a question often asked: What attracts women to men? Are some guys just born naturally attractive to women, or is it how a man lives his life that makes him attractive?

Today I’m going to bust THE big myth about what attracts women to men, and give you the straight up honest truth.

You’ll learn the underlying psychology of why women are attracted to certain things men do, and I’ll be showing you how you can use this knowledge to understand why there are so many popular misconceptions about attraction.

Why Is Attraction Such a Complex Issue These Days?

The problem is this:

1) Attraction is a genetic thing – women are programmed to respond to certain qualities like height, dominance, confidence, and so on. Historically (we’re talking hundreds of thousands of years) the men who possessed these qualities produced offspring with a higher chance of survival than men who didn’t, and as a result these men were responsible for a greater percentage of surviving children. The increased success rate was probably something marginal, but over hundreds of thousands of years, even a marginal advantage becomes extremely noticeable and widespread throughout a species.

2) This genetic programming is based on what works in an environment that is VERY different from the environment we live in now. We no longer have to run from predators, hunt and forage for food, and engage in conflict with neighbouring tribes. Things that were typically a disadvantage aren’t such a big deal anymore – people who would’ve been left for dead can now be productive, successful members of society who can provide for a family.

Although you don’t really need to be your classic alpha male type to survive and do well these days, the ancient attraction programming remains intact and pushes women towards guys who behave this way. Don’t go try to be an alpha male though – what you think it means and what it actually is are likely two very different things.

It might seem counter-intuitive, but being attractive is something you can learn to do by paying attention to your beliefs, behaviours, body language, and putting at least a bit of effort into being decent looking.

The modern attractive man isn’t some super aggressive juice head whose life motto is “never back down”. He’s just a normal guy who’s comfortable with who he is, confident, well put together, and willing to put the work in to actually go out and meet people.

What Attracts Women to Men Psychology

The Big Attraction Myth: You Need Things Like Height, Money, and Social Status to Be Attractive to Women

I know I just said women are genetically predisposed to want these things, and it might seem like I’m contradicting myself here. Especially since in our own personal experience we often see the most attractive women with tall, rich, successful men. Actors, business owners, executives, guys with nice houses and fast cars.

The reason why it SEEMS like height, looks, social status, and money attract women is a common cognitive error: a misunderstanding of correlation and causality. Causality means one thing causes another, like being rich causing women to like you. Correlation means one thing is linked to another thing, like rich men being more likely to have attractive women with them, but not necessarily because of their wealth.

Now, there are of course some women who will only date men above a certain height, income level, and so on, but the majority of women aren’t like this.

What Attracts Women to Men Psychology

So why would we believe things like money, social status, and so on are correlates rather than causes?

The reason is rooted in the way women identify these traits in men. If women are attracted to men with status and wealth, an effective evolutionary strategy for men would be to fake these traits. Producing offspring with a faker could be disastrous for the woman; a faker likely does not have adequate resources and social influence to provide for her offspring.

To counter this, women must be able to differentiate between the men who genuinely have wealth and social status, and those who are faking. One way to do this is by developing a heightened sense of social perception and recognizing what successful man behaviour looks like compared to the behaviour of an imitator. The behaviours become the primary source of attraction.

Women are not attracted directly to wealth and status, but to the behaviours indicating a man genuinely has wealth and status.

This provides the explanation for why it seems like wealth, status, and height matter so much. If you were suddenly made better looking, a few inches taller, and inherited a billion dollars, would you behave the same way you do now? Of course not! You’d instantly be more confident, more relaxed, happier, less stressed out, and so on.

Women pick up on these behaviours, and it’s these behaviour patterns that are at the core of attraction, not the wealth and status itself.

Can a Lot of Confidence Overcome Deficiencies in Height/Wealth/Looks/etc.?

It can definitely increase your chances, but you still need to do what you can to make yourself more attractive. Eating right and getting in shape will not only help you look better, it will make you a hundred times more confident. Just because women will still date you if you drive a beater, doesn’t mean they don’t prefer a BMW.

In short, confidence helps, but no woman is going to stick around for very long if you have no ambition, passion, or direction in life. You might get laid, but why would a smart, attractive, fun woman stay with a confident but lazy man when there’s tons of confident ambitious guys out there?

There’s just no excuse to not have your shit together. It’s not so much about being super rich and having washboard abs as it is not having any glaring deficiencies. As long as you’re reasonably in shape, well groomed, drive something not about to break down, and have a clean place of your own, you’re doing fine.

Why is Confidence Such a Big Part
of Being an Attractive Man?

Essentially, confidence is about being yourself. It’s about being congruent and able to authentically express who you are without worrying about what people think. People who lack confidence, who are socially awkward, who are afraid to speak their mind, what they’re doing is broadcasting to the world that they’re willing to stifle their own impulses and desires for the sake of social acceptance.

This indicates they’re not used to being socially dominant and enforcing their worldview, that they may have been subject to social rejection in the past, or maybe they’re not typically successful and their fear of failure causes doubt and hesitation.

Men who are naturally attractive to women aren’t all super smooth James Bond types, in fact I don’t know many people like that at all. The guys I do know who are quiet and serious but still get laid are very good looking, and they succeed in spite of their personality, not because of it.

Most guys who are really good with women are the guys who are fun to be around. They’re not afraid to show their goofy, quirky side. They’re adventurous and outgoing. For a real life example of a guy who isn’t good looking but has an attractive personality, look at someone like Seth Rogan. He’s the type of guy women say they have a “weird crush” on, the type who isn’t good looking, but is still attractive.

5 Tips for Being More Physically Attractive to Women

Remember, you don’t need to be some fit, super suave looking playboy (trying too hard usually backfires), you just need to look like you put at least a bit of effort in.

1) Develop a style that reflects who you are. Don’t just wear random clothes, think about what sort of image you want to project. When women look at you, what do they see? Try to imagine yourself from your ideal woman’s perspective: if you were your ideal woman, would you date you? Does your style reflect the unique person you are, or are you just another average guy?

2) Go to the gym at least once per week, even if you’re in decent shape. You’ll look better, but more importantly you’ll feel better. If you aren’t in shape, this is even more important.

3) Get a good haircut. Find a proper salon in your area. You might not notice the difference between a cheap and an expensive haircut, but I guarantee you women do. A well trained stylist who’s good at his/her job will know what kind of haircut suits your face, and they’ll do a much better job. You can get great haircuts in most major cities for around $45.

4) Work on your body language. It’s so important but so hard to notice yourself. I recommend filming yourself talking to see how much you fidget, what your expression and eye contact is like, if you sway back and forth, and so on. Read up on body language and try to become more aware of how you move. It’ll be awkward at first, but you’ll adjust.

5) Make sure you’re groomed. No nose/ear hair, keep your beard trimmed. Nothing wrong with a beard, but don’t just let it grow wildly. If you have bad skin, see a doctor or try a few different skin care products. Get rid of the unibrow, even if it’s just a few stubbly hairs between your eyes. Coordinate your facial hair with your haircut.

5 Tips for Developing an Attractive Personality

What Attracts Women to Men PsychologyThis is a much tougher process than being physically attractive. Reason being: the key to being emotionally attractive is being yourself, but hardly anyone understands how exactly to do this. It doesn’t help that so many sources tell you NOT to be yourself, and give you advice about acting smooth that just makes you look like a dickwad.

1) Define yourself. An interesting fact: demographics (location, income level, etc.) are the best predictor of what a person will believe. When you ask most people what they believe, what they value, what they want out of life and why, they can’t tell you. Knowing what you want and having a direction in life that’s congruent with who you are is wildly attractive. Women love a man who knows what he wants and goes after it.

2) Be comfortable alone. Neediness is one of the worst, most unattractive qualities a guy can have. Make sure you spend time being alone and not passively consuming media. Sitting around watching TV or creeping facebook isn’t what I mean. I’m talking about reading, thinking, meditating, being in touch with who you are. We’re exposed to so much social pressure and influence that it takes a conscious effort to shed all off and discover who we are and what we want.

3) Eliminate negative or limiting beliefs. Do you believe you’re incapable, unworthy, not cool? Do you feel, deep down, like you deserve the lifestyle you want? The woman you want? Or do you secretly feel like the women you want are out of your league? Like the job, house, car, type of life you want are out of reach? Trace these beliefs to their roots. Why do you believe those things? Are they valid reasons? Could you be giving certain people or events too much weight when it comes to determining your value as a person? Ultimately, it’s about living up to your own expectations, not anyone else’s.

4) Practice self-awareness and authentic expression. Become aware of how you behave, what you say and do. Are these things in line with your beliefs and desired life direction? Imagine who you’d like to be, and make a conscious effort to be that person on a daily basis. Speak your mind and act on your desires – don’t be ashamed or embarrassed about what you believe or what you want. Attractive men are willing to risk rejection or criticism to get the things they want in life.

5) Practice lifestyle design. If there are particular things about your life you want to improve, like making more money, being more fit, meeting new people, learning a new skill, and so on, write those things down and make a plan for reaching them. Having goals you’re working towards brings about a lot of different benefits: confidence when you reach them, a sense of purpose while you’re working on them, and a sense of achievement and self-worth that comes with having a plan for your life.
 

FacebookTwitterGoogle+

 

Written by Ryan Jakovljevic

Ryan Jakovljevic is an award-winning counsellor and relationship expert with more than three years of experience helping both individuals and couples. He does weekly videos on YouTube, posts daily on Facebook and twitter, and you can also find him on Google+.
 Posted by at 7:40 pm

  43 Responses to “What Attracts Women to Men Psychology”

  1. Good answer, Ryan!
    Jen had me in a panic for a minute, until I read your great reply.
    I’m just heading into a divorce and , being the wrong side of forty, with less hair than I’d like , I was a little concerned. Not now.

    • Don’t let negative people get to you, there’s a lot more to attraction than the height/money/looks BS.

      I met my fiance in 2009. I was 20 years old, got laid off the month before we met, drove a rusty 1992 Honda Civic, weighed 135 lbs, I lived in my mom’s basement, had no education, and no career prospects. I’m 5’6″, by the way.

      Pretty much the epitome of the most undateable guy possible.

      We moved out, I went to school, started a business, put on 20 lbs of healthy weight, got a better car, started dressing nicer, and grew my career. Still haven’t figured out how to get taller though.

      All that stuff helped a lot, but the most important thing is she was still attracted to me when I had nothing.

      Don’t worry about your hair or your age or any other stuff people try to blame when their life isn’t working out.

      Control the things you can, then focus on developing your personality and you’ll be fine.

      • nice one man,
        dont forget if one can make his girl happy like make her laugh
        that all it is to it

        • Good call Abhi, hugely important!

          • Thank you for writing good article about the people are unmarried it will be very helpful to know more about women, I have a blog and I explain more about the good relationship with men or women you can refer here >>( go2l.ink/re )<< ,The good relationship is more than money.

      • Hey Ryan, just one question. How and where did you meet your fiance?

      • I agree with Ryan,

        Just to add as well coming from a 31 year old. If you want to ensure that you find women who are into you for your personality. Try to keep your external qualities like your profession, displays of wealth and skills to a minimum.

        Every girl I’ve been with in the past who I met through my salsa place that I frequent all ended up moving on to better things the minute a man with better social status came in sight. It was then that I realised that their attraction for me was less about who I actually was and mainly because I was a great salsa dancer.

        With women, it’s all a game of status. Of course, the quickest and easiest way is through wealth, power and displays of excellence as it’s passive. But this can also be demonstrated using your personality or what most people coin as “Verbal Game”.

        The biggest challenge is in making yourself believe that who you are is enough and that no man with a flashier car, better job or nicer apartment is better than you. This is especially hard when the girl you love gravitates towards this new guy as you begin doubting yourself, which affects your self-worth.

        With regards to Jen’s comment. She’s not wrong with her statement. I would assume she’s a woman in her 30’s who has no time to look for a man with ambition and wants a man who’s already set and ready to support her future kids. Women in this age bracket are basically impatient. Why would an attractive man bother with a woman like this when he can easily date a younger, more attractive girl without a ticking biological clock with less baggage?

        Women in this age group simply can’t afford to be this picky.

  2. Good, sensible observations from Ryan. I like that you’re not proposing some bizarre, complicated system of hypnotic alpha-male pick-up tricks. I’d have to say my own experience corresponds very much with what you’re saying.

    I was always lacking in “confidence” with women. I’m 5′ 6″ and therefore “short.” And to make things worse, lost my hair in my mid-to-late twenties. I was then forced to either (a) feel depressed, frustrated and sorry for myself or (b) get over it, accept who I was and just get on with life.

    In the spirit of rebellion, I chose (b). Part of this was my rejection of the whole notion of “confidence.” My attitude was this: I don’t have confidence, I don’t know what it looks like, I don’t know what it feels like – in fact I suspect it’s about as real as the tooth fairy. Meantime, I want to live my life to the full and I don’t have time to wait for this mythical “confidence” to show up. You know what? F**k confidence. I’m going to do what I want to do without it. Confidence can catch up with me if it wants to – assuming it even exists.

    Bizarrely, it was at this time that I started to have pretty steady success with women. And it was with this kind of attitude: being very clear (to myself) about what I wanted, and acting on it openly and without worrying about whether I had “permission.” It’s actually very good fun once you get into the swing of it. Most women are actually very friendly and good fun to talk to – even if they don’t necessarily want to go out with you. And this brings me onto the subject of “Jen.”

    Read her post. Take on board its negativity, its contempt, its viciousness. Imagine the mentality of a person who takes the time to write something like that in a public forum. Because it’s absolutely real. There are genuinely some women like that out there. Just like there are some vile, cowardly men out there who abuse women, here you have an example of a truly unpleasant, cowardly woman who, in this instance seeks to belittle and undermine any man that may be reading this page.

    But you don’t need to worry: women like Jen are in a minority and are very easy to spot. They are to be avoided and their comments to be laughed at. As Jen herself points out, “everyone” she knows thinks like she does. That’s because these like-minded individuals hang around together (and tear each other to shreds – they’re just as vicious towards women as they are towards men). And these kinds of women get a very nasty shock later in life when they suddenly find that the “hottest guy in the room” prefers some one younger. And the likes of Jen find themselves having to rely on their personality alone in their fight for male attention. Whoops! So you don’t need to worry about them getting their come-uppance: life will take care of that.

    The good news is that there are many fantastic women out there who are nothing at all like Jen and her “friends.” There are women out there who are attractive, intelligent and have a sense of humour. They’re the ones that deserve our attention!

  3. i really took my time to read,it is so true.
    i do agree to that.
    #you got my respect

  4. Another thing.

    Girls (and guys) who try to make the opposite gender insecure are usually the most insecure themselves.

    I have seen guys put down pretty girls and make them feel ugly, as a way to lower their confidence, to make it easier to hold on to them. When they are fully aware, the reality is opposite.

    Women do the same to Men. Women will also try to lower the confidence of men they feel insecure of.

    So, the irony is that while “confidence is attractive.” Insecure people will try to lower your confidence deliberately.

  5. Very useful information been provided in this article,before approaching woman ,according to the situation things can be worked out

  6. Some degree wealth and looks…they are attractive…but they are a priority to a specific type of woman: often ones who overly interested in their own status and appearance and sacrifice exploring themselves or being real with people. There is nothing more attractive than a happy person. A person who talks to people and listens without interruption. A person who questions everything and is playful in their life. A person who is confident that the future will provide and therefore the present must be enjoyed. When two people like that meet, they create children who change the world. When the world changes, then the game the “hot”, “cool” or “successful” “winners” were playing driven by their repressed insecurities becomes obsolete and they have to play cultural catch-up. We are more likely to pass on our genetics if we are socially strong and not competitively strong and superior. The alpha male is dying. The submissive female along with him. People who go for the fixed route for money don’t have time or energy or passion to try understand the world from their own special perspective. They are often stressed, ignorant and have no real friends…the money could easily be blown in an attempt to buy back the fun they missed, when they snap upon realizing they have wasted their precious time. Money won’t save you from your own demons: many rich people lose their health due to stress or end up addicted to substances that enabled them to work so much and focus on things they have no real interest in other than them being a means to status. Maybe if Jen stuck with the artsy dreamer in the band, she would be enjoying discovering herself and the world rather than trying to fill her emptiness with what she has bought into as the image of success. Then again, she is being honest and of course if you have sold your personality and freedom to become what Jen wants you to be you at least could attract Jen…just don’t be surprised when the kids get to be teenagers she divorces you, takes half youroney and runs off with dude who is half your age…she sings harmony now! 😉

  7. Not all women are attracted to the typically tall, dark, handsome types. It’s not realistic to think every woman will go for the same thing. For me, it mainly depends on how well I know him, and how much time he’s willing to spend with me. Even if he WAS tall, dark, and handsome, it wouldn’t guarantee that he’d treat me with respect. What if he did a total idiot move on me, by betraying me and my trust? Looks don’t promise a fairytale ending. We have to stop living in the stupid “Disney fairytale land”. It isn’t healthy. Are you going to kick and scream if the guy you want, turns you down? Prince Charming doesn’t really exist. And if he does, well I’ve never come across him. I don’t suddenly assume I’m going to end up with a guy, just because he might look so attractive. If he wants to be with me, he’d make sure he let me know. I had one who presented to love me. He thought I bought into his fake lies. Not surprising, I didn’t stick around, but I’m definitely guessing he’s trying that same pathetic trick on the new women. Some know how to make themselves look false.

    • Thanks for your input. To be honest, I’d be surprised if Jen is actually a woman. I’ve seen a lot of men who are so beat down they buy into that type of bullshit and start parroting it themselves.

  8. Highly entertaining post by Jen. I’m glad I stumbled upon this article from a Google search. No high quality man would waste any amount of time on a person that thinks that way.

  9. Wimen like Jen are the ones that get usex, thinking they are using.
    I am everage tall, decent looking, but had the fortune to ereditade a large amount of money from my parents, its unbelivable how easy is to take women like Jen to bed, just because of the money, but who would keep a woman like that around??
    Not me, thanks, once im “done” with them, sayonara, and, believe me, a lot of guys think that way.

    I want more than a woman that stays with me jyst for my money or my look, those are nothing different that prostitutes, no offense.
    No, thanks, not for me, not for more than 1 night.

  10. well I thought that was rather educative.iam a 20 year old from India and I feel that what you said are true facts . I personally respond better to a guy who is more confident rather than one who is not. A girl always look for a guy whom she can turn to,not the best looking one but the one who is able to care for her. So in today’s world money does matter but that’s not all.But personally I would rather be with a guy who made something of himself rather than someone who inherited his money from his parents without actually doing anything to get it

  11. I am an attractive successful woman . I was married twice to very attractive professional men.. I did not become a professional until later in life .. A real woman that is beautiful does not have to bother or worry about finding the right man.. I never had to burden myself or be bothered with the complexity of the mental masturbation of Jen’s analogy ..she may not be attracting men or they do not perceive her type as marriage material .. Maybe just sex .. So I would venture to say Jen if your all that why are you still trolling the bars at 30 ? I was on my second child .
    .oh and my husbands both pursued me .. They saw a woman worthy enough to procreate with ..you must be giving off a foul smell from that rotten thinking you have .. i think you make a hookers more appealing at least the are honest about their intent the reason you are trying so hard is because you have to …men gravitate towards the real deal …still at 50 I have to beat them off with a stick .. Lol a soft fury one .. Lol

  12. I agree with Sandy. Just be yourself. There is someone out there for everyone. If someone only likes you for your looks and money, you probably don’t want someone like that anyway. And if you are the person trying to marry someone just for looks or money, you are selling yourself short. Love has no price tag…but that’s just my opinion. As I said, there’s someone out there for everyone, no matter how ugly or how much of a “gold-digger” they might be.

  13. What about the alpha-male aproach. Is it wrong. Should you want to be the most dominant person in the room since dominance is a big thing in the animal kingdom. Or maybe a bit more emotional and quirky

  14. Well this is interesting. I guess if women are drawn to tall man that a shame. I guess I’m out picture Haha, I’m only 5’7 and I’m 19, so probably won’t get any taller Haha. Oh well at least my skateboard well still love me.

  15. I stopped reading after, “you must have a place of your own.”

  16. But anatomy;looks;body;eyes;color;teeths;face;neck;ears;ht;wt;frame size matter most since these are hardware kind of
    things( medically;psychologically)-they make chemistry between them to click-it is proved scientific fact!May be that
    equation forms love chemistry or so;but it does! Love at first sight is true because of this–even if man&woman who never
    met in person;but see/saw each other in pictures/video/online get sexually attracted to each other ( why?-due to this).
    Physical attraction towards each other is love.To fall in love&to make love&then to make more love&more love each day –
    that is life:may end in marriage or affair.Note that;things like education;money;dressing;make-up;etc are non-anatomical
    & not hardware ;but things like culture;family;behaviour;dressing;make-up;hair-style;hygine;cleanliness;heart-richness
    (generiousity);education;job;social status etc may act as catalyst or add-in-sugar(but only upto certain point only)Those
    who have seen movies ( ex:Titanic) may understand that all.Love is more a body&heart affair than money-social affair

  17. Most women are very money hungry nowadays since they will Only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less. They Only want men that have Mega Bucks.

  18. lmfao, Jen is just one person. her subjective opinion lacks statistical significance. and for all we know, this Jen is just some insecure dude trying to make other guys feel bad about themselves. everyone chill out

 Leave a Reply

(required)

(required)

More in Psychology & Relationships
Mailbag #3: How Do I Be Authentic With New People?

The mailbag is a Q&A column based on the emails you guys send me. If you have a question related...

The Dress White Gold Black Blue
How “The Dress” Exposes the Psychology of Conflict

Mark Thursday, February 26 2015 in your calendar - it will forever be remembered as the weirdest moment in internet...

When There’s a Lack of Sex in Your Relationship

I doubt you'd be surprised that one of the most common reasons people see me for couples counselling is a...

How To Move From Casual Dating to Serious Relationship

How exactly do you go from dating someone casually to having a serious relationship with them? Is it some secret,...

Close